Separating

Money matters

Key issues

Dealing with the financial pressures of separation.
Making the necessary changes to financial arrangements during and after separation.
Acknowledging that both parents have a legal duty to support their children even when they no longer live together.
Becoming resourceful in terms of accessing financial services.
Finding inexpensive ways of having fun with children.
Learning about government and community services such as housing, legal services, CSA and Centrelink.

Myths

She took the kids and everything. There's nothing I can do.
I must have been bad if daddy won't give us any money.
My parents make me feel like I can't support my own kids.
No one knows what it's like not to be able to afford to do things with the kids.

Background notes

Separation is a stressful time for individuals and families. Immediate decisions need to be made about practical issues concerning the welfare of children and material assets. This often places financial pressure on both parents and usually each parent experiences a reduction in finances because some of the usual expenses of living can no longer be shared.

Separation generally involves legal expenses and establishing separate households.

Money matters and changes to financial arrangements often become the trigger for emotional outbursts during the separation process.The anger and hurt of the relationship break-up are often carried into fights about new financial arrangements.

Adults

Both parents have a legal duty to support their children financially. This legal duty is not affected by any change in the parents' relationship, for example, if parents separate and live alone or if they repartner.

This duty has priority over other commitments and means that each parent has responsibility for their child's welfare. It exists regardless of:

Who the children live with
Whether the children are living in a household with one of their parents and their new partner
Whether there is contact with the other parent.

It is frequently the combination of children and money that causes the most conflict between ex-partners.

'She took every everything - there was nothing of any value left in the house.'

'He wants everything - he'd like to see me broke.'

The non-resident parent will often face the costs of setting up a new home.

They can feel that the expectation to maintain their children after separation is unfair, especially if they are prevented from seeing their children.This is complicated by the role money plays in our society - you use money to purchase goods or services. Occasionally you donate small amounts to charities and expect no return except a feeling of goodwill. The situation where maintenance is paid and access to the children is denied confronts our expectations of the role of money.

Non-resident parents sometimes feel that maintenance is a way of penalising them for their absence or that it is the price that they must pay in order to see their children. Sometimes the resident parent will reinforce this.

Some parents find it necessary, for financial reasons, to return to work at this stage. This is not always seen as a choice and may therefore be resented. Finding suitable, convenient and affordable childcare is often another difficulty. For some parents, managing the difficult feelings of guilt and anxiety, associated with leaving children to be cared for by others, can add further stress and resentment.

Non-resident parents often say that they feel the need to compensate for not being with their children every day. They want to make the limited time they spend with their children special. In some cases expensive gifts and activities are substitutes for not knowing how to be with children.

'One day my daughter and I stayed in our pyjamas all day. We spent the day turning an old box and some computer paper into a television with a story that you wound on to the next frame. We even made commercials. Seven years on she still talks about that day as one of the best in her life.'

Parents don't need to feel alone when working through their financial situations. Services in their local area are available to assist them with practical skills in how to take control of their money and plan ahead with confidence so that they are able to manage the changes in their financial situations, now and in the future.

The notion of becoming a business partner or work colleague of an ex-partner is very important in relation to finances and supporting children. Responsibility for the business of financially supporting the children continues and must be shared. This idea of a work relationship provides a useful focus for the financial contribution made by the non-resident parent and could diffuse resentment about maintenance. However, it will not work if the resident parent refuses to include the parent in important decisions about the child's welfare.

'There may also be issues of resentment if the resident parent repartners with someone who puts them at a clear financial advantage'

One way to diffuse resentment is to communicate how the maintenance is serving the children (for example, by being saved in an account in their name, by paying for clothes or special activities that they want to do).

When parents separate there are things to decide about children, money and property. Mediation can help sort out these decisions. It allows both parents to make important decisions and to manage the decisions they make.

Mediation offers cooperative problem solving before any court action is started and at any stage of a dispute before the court. A mediator is trained to help people discuss issues so that they can find some answers. Mediation is not about the past; it is about making important decisions for the future.The Family Court has found that in 95% of cases there can be resolution by agreement through the use of mediation.

There are many financial supports available to help people deal with the money and property issues during and after separation. These services include certain government benefits such as the Family Tax Benefit and entitlements to housing and legal services. Most of these are administered by Centrelink, the government agency that provides a number of Commonwealth services to the community. It has a range of payments and services to suit a variety of family situations.

CSA is a government agency that specifically provides a number of services to help separated parents manage their child support responsibilities.

These services include a community services database that contains contact details and general information on community services across Australia. CSA staff are able to provide parents with information about services for:

financial advice
parenting skills
counselling
mediation
legal services
welfare and emergency services.

There is a variety of flexible choices available to parents in the ways that they pay and receive child support. Where possible, parents are encouraged to work together to manage their child support responsibilities.

Parents can arrange to make private payments or seek guidance from CSA or legal services. These private arrangements can be spoken or written. They can cover the amount of child support agreed on and how and when it is paid. The right to agree on amounts of child support is limited if the carer parent is receiving Centrelink benefits.

CSA can provide advice on how to organise private arrangements or provide a number of options that best suit individual circumstances. For example, if private arrangements are not suitable, then collection by CSA can be arranged.

CSA has a range of services and information products available to help separated parents manage their child support responsibilities. A booklet titled Financial Security: The Guide to Managing your Money is available from CSA or most financial counsellors. It helps parents take steps to control their financial situations.

Children

It is important that children understand if there are financial pressures. It is also important that children are not overly exposed to parental conflict or anxiety related to finances. This can generate further fear and anxiety in children. In sharing financial information with children, the age and maturity of the child must be considered.

As with emotional sharing it is crucial that the child does not take on the role of confidante, support or comforter of the adult parent.

It is fair for children to understand that money does not grow on trees, and that times are tight, which might mean that their demands for certain clothing or footwear are unreasonable. It is not fair for them to know how much is in the bank or to be consulted about which bills are to be paid first.

It is not helpful to ongoing parent-child relationships if children learn to blame one parent for the financial circumstances of the other parent.

For example,'Mummy doesn't have much money because daddy left,' or,'I would love to buy you wonderful things but I can't because mummy/daddy won't give me money for you'. Even young children can understand when there isn't much money and they can't afford to do or buy something. The parents' attitudes and words will strongly influence how the children perceive and accept the changes in finances.

Parents need to be careful not to enlist their child's involvement in any ongoing tension and conflict related to money. This can place children in very difficult situations of torn loyalties and can prevent them from having positive long-term relationships with both parents. This is something all children are entitled to unless there are issues of safety involved.

If children are exposed to too much conflict related to money, they can feel unduly responsible for their family's financial situation. They may blame themselves, develop serious fears and anxieties, or attempt to find inappropriate solutions such as stealing money in an attempt to assist.

Extended family

Relatives, especially grandparents, may assist financially at the time of separation. This may be something they want to do as parents and grandparents, if they are able to.

This assistance can cause difficulties and misunderstandings and can make the adult child feel like an inadequate provider or as if they are dependent again. The other parent may be insulted or annoyed that assistance was not offered when they were together, or feel that this is a slight on their ability or willingness to support the family.

It is important that financial assistance is focused on the needs of the children. Grandparents might concentrate on contributing money to less essential items enjoyed by the children such as a special coat or book. They may decide to open a savings account for their grandchildren and privately bank money with the plan to offer it at a more appropriate time (or when the child is old enough to manage it themselves).They might simply be able to come to an arrangement that is clear, open and helpful to everyone - for example, offering to pay for any school excursions that come up.

In some families, financial assistance is withheld even when the capacity to help may be present. This can generate complex and strong feelings and will always look extremely unfair.

It is important for counsellors and educators to help those experiencing this situation to find ways to move on.

Group exercises

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