Separating

Parenting

Key issues

Understanding a child's reactions to their parents' separation.
Developing appropriate discipline and communication skills with children.
Building the ongoing parenting partnership between the parents now that they are ex-partners.

Myths

Single parents can't make good parents.
Fathers can't care for their children.
Better for everyone if the children have no contact with their father.

Background notes

Parenting is a responsibility that remains after a partnership ends. Parents must consider what changes in parenting need to happen if they are both to remain actively involved in their children's upbringing. These decisions should be worked out between the ex-partners, not imposed by one on the other.

Adults

The concept of a parenting partnership, where both parents shoulder equal responsibility for parenting, will not be new to those parents who have had a collaborative partnership before separation.

Their parenting roles will only need to be adapted to take account of the separation and the changes in living arrangements.

For others the task may seem more daunting:

As they learn to juggle new responsibilities such as work hours and picking up young children from school
As they learn to share discipline with the ex-partner, if that has not been part of their parenting before
A formerly cooperative partner withdraws support and the ex-partner has to assume an increased share of parenting responsibilities.

Discipline is one of the key considerations:

The intention of discipline is to assist children to become responsible for their own behaviour
It does not involve hurting or threatening a child
It does not involve behaviour that will diminish a child's self-esteem.

Discipline involves more than handing out punishment when something goes wrong. Dramas can often be averted if parents adopt positive discipline techniques.These techniques involve developing a relationship with the children so that the need to punish can be avoided because the issue has been handled before it becomes a problem.

Handout 11: Positive discipline techniques describes these. Also see Handout 12: Conflict resolution notes.

When deciding what discipline strategy to employ it is important to consider:

Making it appropriate to the child's age and development.
The particular situation
What might be influencing the child's behaviour (tiredness, ill-health, upsetting changes)
How much you are aware and in charge of your own emotions.

Children are capable of living with different rules in different houses as long as the rules are clear and consistent, and understood by all involved.

Adults often find the differences between households harder to accept than the children do. This is usually because they feel undermined by the strategies adopted by the ex-partner. Some parents work out their individual discipline strategies and agree to involve the other when major issues occur.

Separation cannot bring an end to parenting responsibilities but it will require organising them differently.

If there are participants who have teenagers, Handout 13: Talking with teenagers extends these ideas to cover adolescents.

Children

Separation is a confusing time for children. Parents are often very anxious about upsetting their children but it is very important that they don't try to over-protect them from the facts.

It is not wise for a parent to hide the fact that a separation has happened. It is both impractical and stressful for the parent to attempt to maintain the charade and eventually it is stressful for the child, as they realise that there is something wrong and it is being hidden from them.

By keeping information from the child, they may form their own reasons about why the separation took place and why they are not being told about it. They may blame themselves, as they are unable to see any other valid reason for the separation, or the secret of it.

'If I hadn't fought with my sister so much, mum and dad would still be together.'

It is important that parents recognise the absolute need to tell the children about a separation.

Children need to be told:

Where each parent will be living
Where each child will be living
How contact will be maintained with the ex-partner
About the ongoing love and commitment of their parents
About the ongoing interest of their parents if love and commitment are not forthcoming

Children need to be told these things in away that is appropriate for their age and their level of understanding.They might be told several times.

Handout 14: How to tell the children summarises this.

It is also important that the child is not forced to become the confidante of one parent, or told too much information about the adult relationship. It is easy for parents who are close to their children to reveal inappropriate facts or pieces of information but they must remember that their children are just that - children. For example, it is appropriate for children to know that their parents find the separation upsetting and difficult, and that sometimes they are sad about it. However, it is not appropriate for the child to be called on to provide comfort, advice or to witness all of their parent's emotional reactions.

Children always want and need to know that they are loved and appreciated. At the time of separation this is even more important.They need to know that they are loved so that they are able to build a strong sense of themselves, and grow up with confidence in their own worth and ability to be loved for who they are.

Handout 15: Strategies for building children's self-esteem describes statements, phrases and actions that can be used to indicate to children that they are loved.

Extended family

The relationship with extended family has the potential to change. The changes will obviously depend on the quality of the relationship prior to separation.

Grandparents may want to take a more active parenting role to make up for the perceived loss of parenting that has happened as a result of one person moving out.

This can be helpful, particularly if they assist with the physical tasks of parenting and day-to- day commitments. However, it is important to understand that this has the potential to reinforce to ex-partners not living with the children that they are now obsolete as a parent. The active involvement of grandparents can make it more difficult for the ex-partners to negotiate their new parenting roles. Especially if the ex-partner doesn't get along with their in-laws.

Friends can play an important role in providing extra assistance at the time of separation. For example, taking children to school or having them over to play.

They can also be a useful outside adult for children to talk to. Friends can also provide a place where the child can go without any mention or thought of what is happening at home.

Group exercises

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