Separating

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Emotions

 Key issues

• Identifying and understanding the normal emotions of loss and grief.
• Recognising that emotions will be different for different people.
• Separating for the first time.
• Those who have had more than one separation.
• Those whose partners have died.
• Recognising that the emotions experienced will differ depending on who initiated the separation.
• Understanding the emotions involved in separating from a partner.
• Identifying children's emotions, and the different ways children express them.
• Identifying the range of emotions of the extended family.

 Myths

• Children whose parents separate or divorce will be damaged forever.
• He/she doesn't care about the kids.
• I should have given them more support - my son will never get his life together now.

 Background notes

The emotional landscape at separation is, for most people, unpredictable. The depth of emotions can be very disorienting and this is compounded by the events that triggered the onslaught of emotion. After a separation most people expect that they will feel emotional at 'special' times such as birthdays or traditional family celebrations. But it is sometimes the small, seemingly insignificant, moments in daily life that can make the sense of loss from separation more real - an empty chair at dinner time; a letter addressed to the missing partner; a song on the radio.

This may leave people with a feeling of 'This doesn't make sense' and 'Surely I shouldn't feel as bad as this?' There is a feeling that these emotions are not 'normal'.

On the other hand, it is also common for people who are going through separation to swing between feeling very low and very confident and elated. This emotional roller-coaster is particularly distressing when it is accompanied with a strong sense of having made the right decision.

Adults

Separation is a time of loss. Many of the emotions experienced are related to the loss of something that was valued. Emotions are responses to what we see and hear.

The individual's experience of emotions will be unique.There is no right or wrong way to feel after separation. How we perceive events will determine how we feel about them.

It is not usually what the ex-partner actually does, but how the person interprets what has been done, that will determine the emotions experienced.

'She makes me so angry when she doesn't do what she agreed to do.'

This is a statement of belief that 'she made me feel this way'. The reality is that when 'she' fails to do what was agreed, the other person feels slighted and ignored, because if the thing was important, then 'she' would have done it. It is this feeling that is important, not the event itself.

This can be quite a new way of thinking about emotions such as anger.

It requires the person to take responsibility for their own feelings and not just blame other people.

'I don't understand what happened. I thought we had a good marriage and now she's gone.' 'When will this feeling of loss and longing go away?' 'I've lost everything. There's nothing left.'

The feelings may at times be difficult to cope with, but they are normal.

In separation there are multiple losses, some of which participants may not have thought about, such as the loss of the dream of a happy family. Others include:

• partner
• sexual partner
• companion
• co-parent
• children
• financial support
• house and contents
• pets
• identity
• trust in their judgement
• dreams and ideals of a happy family
• extended family

The experience of loss usually reminds us of the pain associated with previous losses and compounds feeling of sadness and sometimes anger. If a person has experienced several separations there may also be baggage from past separations.

'I've lost my kids, my wife, my house, I've got nothing left. I'm just a cheque book.'

'I've never had to ask for help with my kids. It's so degrading.'

'It took a bloody year for me to see my kids. I feel cheated at not seeing them growing up.'

Grief is the reaction to loss. It is the indicator that what has been lost was important. A person may get impatient that the feelings do not go away as quickly as they think they should. Grief has its own timetable and shows itself in many ways.

Some of the ways people experience grief include:

• anger
• hostility
• sadness
• despair
• uncertainty
• powerlessness
• insecurity
• depression
• guilt
• blaming others
• sense of failure
• numbness.

For some people the combination of these feelings is overwhelming, confusing and exhausting.

People will often say that they have no idea what they are feeling. They may, however know where they are experiencing pain in their bodies. Each person usually has a part of their body that experiences tension. For example, stomach, heart, shoulders or neck.

That part of the body may be saying something even if the person thinks they are feeling nothing.

'People keep asking how I am, and I don't know what to say.'

The emotions that people experience at separation may vary depending on whether:

• The separation was mutual
• They are the one who decided to end the relationship
• They are the person who had the decision to separate imposed on them
• The separation was the result of death
• The separation was necessary because of violence or abuse.

'It felt as if I was on a roller-coaster and I would not know from one day to the next how I would feel. One day I was sad, the next I was so angry.'

A popular method of understanding grief is the theory that the grief process has a number of stages. Sometimes people are told that they are in a particular stage of grief. The idea that grief develops in stages is a useful reference point for the professional counsellor or educator, however, it can imply that grief always develops in these ways and that it is just a matter of getting through each stage. This can give people a false sense of certainty about how they will experience grief and when they can expect it to be over. It is crucially important that individuals and professionals accept that grief rarely develops according to the text book. Individuals can experience a range of emotions, in various orders.They might not experience a particular emotion, but that does not mean they are not grieving properly.

It is important to encourage people to find their own way of accepting their grief process. For example, some people withdraw into themselves while others seek out other people and cannot bear to be alone.

Parents may need to be reminded that they cannot afford to get so tied up in their own feelings of grief that they lose sight of the needs of their children.

Children

Regardless of their age, children are likely to experience similar emotions to their parents. They may, however, express them in different ways. Often children do not talk about what they are thinking and feeling, but show what they might be thinking and feeling through behaviour.

This diagram shows how a child's behaviour is often the observable expression of their inner thoughts and feelings. For example, a child who hits their brother or sister may be feeling left out and angry about this. Understanding the motivation can help with finding the solution to the behaviour and alleviating the way the child is dealing with the stress of the separation.

Disruptive behaviour from a child can sometimes be the cue that there is something wrong. It is helpful to explore a child's thoughts or feelings rather than immediately seeking to punish the child for their misbehaviour.

Children may also seem to 'get over' events and then go back and grieve all over again. This is normal and is their way of making sense of things they hear, see and feel. They can go through this process a number of times, as the implications of the separation become clear to them.

The fears that children have about separation are related to their thoughts on how it will affect them. These concerns will vary in sophistication depending on the age and temperament of the child. Children will be concerned about the things outlined below.

The issues are often:

• Is it my fault? Was it something I did?
• Who is going to look after me?
• What happens if they can't look after me because they get sick?
• What happens if mum and dad cannot agree about us kids?
• Will they let me decide who I want to live with? What will I do if they let me decide?
• Where will I live?
• How will I choose and what will it mean to my mum/dad?
• Can I decide when I go to my mum/dad's place?
• Will I have a bed at both houses?
• Will all of us kids stay together or will we be split up?
• Will I have to change schools?
• What about the family cat, dog or budgie?
• What about my friends?
• Will we have enough money to do the things we do now?
• Will we have somewhere to live?
• What do I tell friends/teachers?

While younger children may be the only ones to confess it, all children will grapple with the fear that the ex-partner is disappearing from their lives all together.

'I hate my daddy for making my mummy leave. I want her back.'

This fear goes to the root of our sense of self-worth as people. It is a fear of abandonment and the realisation of dependence on others. In this case, the dependence is emotional and physical well-being. A lot of these fears are about things that children do not have control over.

It is for this reason that it is imperative that adults talk with their children, and keep them informed about what is going on. Parents should try to answer some of the basic questions that children might ask and anticipate some of the questions listed above.

Extended family

Grandparents may have strong emotional ties with the separating family. They may want to be supportive but find themselves feeling divided, or not wanting to favour one side. Others may want to side with their adult child or blame the couple for depriving them of seeing a grandchild.

'She was never home enough to be a good wife.'

'He spent too much time with his mates.'

Grandparents' feelings and responses to separation will be as unique as the family's. Fear and anxiety about the well-being of the family is usually paramount.They may feel powerless to intervene or may step in where they are unwelcome. Almost always, they are desperate to help - and desperately frightened of being rejected or making the situation worse.

It is very important for the individuals who are separating to realise the effect their separation could have on their own parents (and the grandparents of their children).The separating adult is still a son or daughter and no one wants to see their child hurt. Grandparents will be concerned about their adult child's well-being - emotionally, financially and physically.

Apart from concern about their own child, as an adult going through a separation, the grandparents may also be grappling with a sense of shock and betrayal towards their son or daughter's ex-partner. 'I can't believe they did this,' is a common feeling expressed.

'I worry I will never be allowed to see my grandchildren again.'

Most grandparents will confess that the gut-wrenching fears they have concern their grandchildren. Usually they can be assured of a relationship with their own adult child - separated or partnered - but their grandchildren are not their own children.

A grandparent whose grandchildren are not living with their own son or daughter (for example, the grandchildren are living with their mother, and the grandparents in question are the father's parents) will be plagued with these questions:

• How will I fit in?
• How will I see my grandchildren, especially without betraying my own child?
• What becomes of my relationship with the ex? With the ex's parents?
• Is the money they are giving the ex for the kids being used for the kids?

Grandparents grieve when a separation happens - the grief can be for the change in their own family structure, for their child and for their grandchildren.

If contact with their grandchildren is reduced, it can be very difficult for grandparents to come to terms with the fact that 'they're out there, I just can't see them anymore'.

Family friends may feel pressured to decide who they will support.This can lead to discomfort and to them drifting away from their friend rather than dealing with those discomforts and making decisions about the future of their friendship.

Some people say they experience a vague sense of unease when their friends decide to separate; it induces a fear that it might also actually happen to them. It can be helpful if the separating adults are aware of this so that they do not attribute this discomfort to the friends' disapproval of them.

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