Separating

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Relationships

 Key issues

• Maintaining a workable contact with the ex-partner where there are children involved.
• Assisting a child to develop a changing relationship with both parents.
• Working towards a new relationship with the extended family.

 Myths

• Mummy's left. This must mean she doesn't love us any more.
• I could tell from the start that it was doomed.
• There is no such thing as a civilised separation.
• They should have stayed together for the children.
• How could she leave those four children behind for another man?
• Who would want a woman with kids?

 Background notes

Separation is the point in the adults' relationship when they are no longer partners but must remain parents. How well this separation of roles is achieved affects not only the well-being of the parents, but also the well-being of the children.

Importantly, the nature of the relationship between the two parents is a big factor in determining the level and quality of contact the non-resident parent will have with their children.

Adults

Both parents must choose how they want to relate to:

• Their ex-partner
• Their ex-partner in their continuing role as parent
• Those around them.

It will be important for each parent to think carefully about what they want to achieve, and what is realistic - given the circumstances of the separation and their ex-partner's personality - and how things can change over time.

The key concept to maintaining any relationship with an ex-partner is to recognise that even though they are no longer partners in the 'couple' sense, a business partnership or working relationship has to be developed for the sake of the children. They are, whether they like it or not, partners in the business or job of parenting.

'It will be important for each parent to think carefully about what they want to achieve, and what is realistic - given the circumstances of the separation and their ex-partner's personality - and how things can change over time.'

In any workplace the ideal is that the partners pursue the same goals for the sake of the organisation. Each may have different roles within the business, but the end result is a healthy, well-functioning organisation.

Work colleagues need to be able to:

• Communicate effectively
• Resolve conflict effectively
• Have a sense of participation and contribution.

Establishing such a relationship, especially when conflict between the 'colleagues' is high, is likely to be very difficult.

Effective communication does not just happen. It is a skill that can be learnt.

It enables people to:

• State clearly what they mean
• Ensure that the other person understands what is being said
• Ensure that the other person understands why the issue is important.

During the course of the conversations both people will be checking:

• The facts of the situation
• Why the facts are important to the other person
• What the other person expects to come from that conversation.

This is achieved by using both listening and talking skills.

Some level of conflict is usually associated with separation. However, it can become a habit to the point that ex-partners believe that it is inevitable that there will be conflict when they try to communicate with each other.

For some conflict may be a way of ensuring that reconciliation does not occur. In some instances, professional help may be needed to manage the conflict so that the partners can begin to communicate constructively with each other.

Conflict resolution is a skill that can be learnt and can give direction for the process of separating from the ex-partner. It requires both people to be willing to look at alternative ways of doing things. This may be very difficult to achieve if there is unwillingness on one person's part.

'They had no contact with the kids for two years, now they want to walk back into their lives. Forget it!'

Nevertheless, effective communication about needs and wants can often break down barriers that were there because the other partner did not know what or why something was wanted.

It is important to emphasise that all styles can serve a purpose for particular situations. Despite having a preference for one style people can choose to use other styles with great effect.

The aim of all conflict resolution is to get to a point where both people feel they are getting something out of the solution. People often confuse this with compromising, where you may give a little to get something.Win-win means that both people get something more through the process of cooperation.

Caution: An assertive, one-sided attempt to resolve conflict can raise the risk of further abuse if there has been abuse in the relationship in the past.

Developing helpful ways of managing conflict between ex-partners means that they can begin to deal with the small issues effectively without each issue growing into a major conflict. Then, if a major difference does occur, it can more easily be handled without a number of smaller side issues blurring the main issue.

Agreeing on how certain things will be dealt with, means that every time something new arises, or there is a variation, there will not be a need for conflict. This can cut down on the number of small, draining, and often irritating arguments between ex-partners.

For example, if there is an agreement about who should pick up a child if they are sick at school, it is clear what actions are to be taken when it happens. It also lessens the 'knee jerk', ill-considered, response to crisis.

Some people find that there are one or two issues that they cannot resolve on their own. They may find it easier to talk about it with a third party present; someone who is not emotionally involved. If this is so, the use of mediation can sometimes be an effective means of reaching resolution. A mediator is there to assist with developing ideas, not to impose ideas or decisions onto the two parties. Mediators have the skill to find out what each person wants, so that a decision can be reached.

Many community organisations provide a mediation service. For example, relationship counselling services, mediation centres, solicitors, private mediators, social workers and psychologists.

Many parents will need to notify relevant staff in the organisations with which their children have contact, about the changes in their family. This should be done on a 'need to know' basis. Not everyone with whom they have contact needs to know of their separation. However, for others it is vital that relevant people are informed to ensure that the children are not disadvantaged.

For example, the children's school needs to know:

1. so that the teachers can be alert to any changes in behaviour, and provide as much support to the children as they can.
2. so the school is aware of who is authorised to pick-up the children.

• kindergarten
• pre-school
• family day care
• sporting/hobby clubs
• after school care.

Children

Children have a right to contact with both parents, and it is the responsibility of the parents to meet their children's needs.

'...parents never stop being parents just because there is a breakdown in the relationship, a child never stops being someone's child.'

It is inappropriate for the child to act as a messenger or go-between for the two parents. Adults should communicate and not relay messages to each other through their children.

A child may be uncertain about how to maintain a part-time relationship with one parent, or they may feel they are being asked to make a decision between parents. This creates a conflict of loyalties for children at an already difficult time. This feeling of conflict in the child usually stems from the attitude of the parents to each other.

If one parent criticises or ridicules the other, it puts the child under pressure to defend the other parent or agree with them. One parent may use the child as a means of finding out details about the other partner. This is not fair on the child.

'She keeps asking the kids about my new partner. I wish she'd just move on. We're over.'

Children's experience of separation will vary according to their age and emotional development. It takes time for children to form a new and individual relationship with each parent.

It is important to understand that:

• Resilience in children varies
• Children's reactions vary according to their age and stage of development
• Not all children are 'damaged for life' because of their parents' separation
• The reactions of each child are unique and some children may be very disturbed, even with the least acrimonious separation
• Parents can sometimes assume too much responsibility for a child's reactions, making it more difficult for the child to adjust to the change.

Extended family

Grandparents, relatives and adult friends can provide enormous support to children, regardless of what is happening between the parents. They can, for example, continue to invite the children over and plan joint activities.This provides a chance for children to feel a sense of security in other relationships and a sense of reassurance that not everything in their world will change. The parents of a child's friend can sometimes assume great significance in a child's life by providing the everyday stability and continuity that may be most valued by the child during this process of change.

On the other hand, the extended family relationships may change considerably.

For the parents of the separating person, contact with their son or daughter's 'ex' will usually decrease in frequency and may stop altogether. The separating couple may feel blamed by their own parents.

Individuals in the process of separating might conceal it from their parents in order to avoid conflict or explanations they might find difficult to give.

This might be especially so if there is a feeling that reconciliation is possible.

Grandparents sometimes become more involved in child-minding following a separation or divorce and their support should be acknowledged and appreciated. It should be remembered that most grandparents have the burden of two concerns - the well-being of their child as well as their grandchildren.

Building positive new relationships with extended family members is an important task at this stage. This can be achieved by ascertaining what each person would consider appropriate in light of the separation.

Relationships with friends can change with friends siding with one partner, or being unsure of how to relate to each person individually. A reduction in social invitations may occur.

Group exercises

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