SeparatingTABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME Roles, identity and boundariesKey issues
Myths
Background notes Separation has major implications for both children and adults. The end of a relationship or marriage is a difficult time for everyone involved. Most people who experience separation admit to feeling the worst they have ever felt in their lives. Many are surprised by the intensity of their feelings, or the way they are responding to the situation. Some wonder if they will ever feel differently. Adults Each partner needs to acknowledge that they are now un-partnered. Separation requires each partner to develop a new role and identity as a person:
'At the time of separation, most people are very sensitive to other people's views and judgements.' The lack of (or the loss of) identity may arise through:
This forces the questions 'who is the real me' and 'how does the real me now relate to others?' to the surface. Even people with a strong sense of their own identity can become isolated, lose confidence and feel as if they no longer have a solid sense of themselves following separation. 'Being a dad and a good husband - that was my life - I've got nothing left now.' 'He takes the children every second weekend. I should be grateful but I don't know what to do when they're not around.' It is at the very time when people can feel most vulnerable that they need to draw on all their inner resources for the sake of themselves and their families. It is a difficult time to find extra strength from within, or to develop new ways of building up inner strength to cope. Another factor, which can impact on individuals' feelings of vulnerability and rejection at this time, is the perceived or real, social stigma associated with the 'break-up' of a family. At the time of separation, most people are very sensitive to other people's views and judgements. In spite of the high incidence of separation and divorce (and possibly because of it), the social ideal of the intact family prevails. Social stigmas are often the result of general community discomfort with an issue or situation, or the generally accepted 'way things should be'.The break-up of a family challenges the idea of a 'perfect' family unit. There are many common manifestations of the social stigmas attached to separating families (whether they are real or perceived). Some include:
Examining and challenging the social myths related to family break-up, and assisting people to accept and assert the validity and viability of diverse family forms (including being a sole parent) is an important part of destabilising the myths that generate social stigma. Developing self-confidence is something only the individual can do. Relying on other people's praise can mean that they never learn to praise themselves. It is great to be able to hear and receive compliments but the individual ultimately determines how they think and feel about themselves.
For most people the time leading up to and following separation is a time of crisis. At times of crisis the ability to act decisively can evaporate. Decision-making becomes difficult, and memory can play tricks, so there is a need to plan for events that could occur. A crisis plan can be developed which acts as a means of reassurance and as a memory aid.This can be used when the need for prompt, sensible action is required in response to some perceived danger. Some examples include when violence has occurred between the ex-partners:
The message for people that are separating is that a Personal Crisis Plan (Handout 2) allows for vital, though often forgotten information to be held in one place. It can assist with providing structure and a sense of self at a time of disorganisation. Maintaining contact between ex-partners is often a delicate balancing act. It requires thought about how the ex-partners are going to lead separate lives, while also maintaining the links necessary to achieve parenting of their children. 'He comes to pick up Kirsty and he hangs around. I wish he'd pick her up and just go.' Mutually-agreed decisions need to be made between the ex-partners about the level of contact they wish to retain with their ex-partner. This is distinct from their parenting obligations. Some people place rigid boundaries around themselves, wanting little or no contact, others may be more flexible. Some may want, and be able, to support each other emotionally by talking and spending time together or helping each other out. Ex-partners need to make decisions about issues such as:
These are very personal arrangements and there are no right and wrong decisions. It is what works for both partners. Ideally these decisions can be made following discussion, although this is not always possible because of strong residual emotions related to the separation. If there is disagreement about what is appropriate, it is important that this is communicated to the other partner. If there have been issues of abuse and violence, a sudden change of boundaries needs to be implemented with caution, because changes can lead to further abusive behaviour from the ex-partner. When considering such actions a counsellor may be able to provide support and assistance. It may be necessary to provide advice on whether or not to take out an intervention order. Children Children will be very aware of the changes ex-partners make in their relationship.The changes children experience will depend on the level of prior co-operative and shared parenting, and the ex-partners' abilities to find new ways of parenting. Parents will need to take stock of what the ex-partner used to do, to know what is presently missing.This may only become clear as the separation eventuates and parents, by default, have to pick up additional and different roles. 'I never knew there was so much involved in the children doing all these out-of-school activities.' If such an awareness is not there and changes are not made, there is the potential for a child to feel obligated to undertake the parenting role themselves, frequently to their own developmental detriment. For example: a child could end up doing more housework; mowing the lawn; cooking; shopping; child-minding; being a companion to the adult, rather than being a child; and going out to play. It is the adult's responsibility to see that this does not happen to the child even though it may be reasonable and necessary to expect older children to contribute more. '...point out that sometimes people (and other children) say hurtful things without meaning to be malicious, but simply out of ignorance.' Children may take longer to work out what aspects of their parents' former relationship remain.They may crave a return to the previous situation, even though it may have been less than ideal. Parents need to recognise that this alone is not a reason to consider returning to the relationship. Children may tighten their personal boundaries to exclude people who were formerly close, and this may include a parent, and that parent's family. A child may provide their own security by becoming more attached to routine or familiar objects. This may give them a sense of stability at a time when the world seems too fluid and threatening for them. Children may also experience the effects of social stigma associated with separation/family 'break-up'. Parents and teachers can help children to manage this by being matter-of-fact and 'normalising' family 'break-up'.They can explain to children that:
This provides children with facts and role models and an attitude that helps them to put their situation in context. These approaches provide some protection and cushioning against the negative impact of things that might be said to them by other adults and children. It's important for parents who are involved to point out that sometimes people (and other children) say hurtful things without meaning to be malicious. Extended family The role that extended family members take at the point of separation depends on the rigidity of the boundaries each partner decides to put around themselves and their children. Extended family therefore need to take their cues from the response of their relative and the ex-partner. Sensitivity is required not to invade new and fragile territory with a proprietorial sense of right. Grandparents cannot assume that they will automatically be welcome in the home of their child's ex-partner. Similarly, it cannot be assumed automatically that a relationship will be discontinued just because of separation. The dangers are flip sides of the same coin:
|