RepartneringTABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME ParentingKey issues
Myths
It can take time for a child to adjust to the new reality of a repartnered family. However the presence of a concerned and involved biological parent is often a key ingredient for a child to settle into new and unfamiliar surroundings. Knowing there is a stable and loving presence from the past allows a child to feel less fearful, and more able to cope with the present. They need to know that their parents will always be their parents, no matter what the circumstances, and that they will always be there for them. Background notes Parenting in a repartnered family is different from parenting in a biological family due to the addition of another adult, whose ways of doing things are an unknown quantity both to the adults and children involved. Parenting is never the same in any two situations. Although an adult may have parented children in one family, the circumstances and situations in another family will require parenting behaviours to be tailored to that particular situation. Adults in a repartnered family have had little time to develop their joint parenting style, yet they are immediately faced with daily parenting issues that require resolution. Parenting is often the source of conflict in a repartnered family because of the complexities involved. The establishment of a good parenting partnership or coalition is vital to achieve parenting goals and to minimise conflict. To achieve this takes time, energy, and goodwill between partners and may require the learning of new skills. The fact that a child has a history with only one parent is significant. The relationship formed since birth is unique and is usually stronger than any bond that may subsequently be developed with a step-parent, who has no shared history with the children. It is the responsibility of the biological parent to inform the step-parent of the children's particular needs and what, to date, have been effective ways of parenting. The biological parent will certainly remain, in the first instance, the key person to provide discipline. The step-parent may contribute and gradually begin to assume a parenting role by doing such things as:
Adults It is important that the couple talk about how discipline is to be achieved. This will be determined, in part, by:
Many couples decide that the biological parent will exercise discipline, while the step-parent devotes their energy to developing a relationship with the children.This may last for some time, and the step-parent will need to be encouraged to see the value of the back-up support role to the biological parent. When both parents bring children into the repartnered family, they will need joint rules for the family and the children. The step-parents may be able to take on other roles to their partner's children such as:
Children are usually reluctant to accept discipline from a step-parent unless (and until) a relationship is clearly established. When children do not live in the household full-time, and there is not daily contact, the biological parent can find it difficult to set and maintain firm limits. Instead they may try to make every visit special, courting their approval and affection at each visit. This can cause resentment from their partner and those children who live in the household full-time, and leave them feeling less special. Developing routines and rules that fit both resident and non-resident children really becomes a challenge. The rules of the household need whenever possible, to be the same for all. This helps to make life manageable and minimises feelings of jealousy. Achieving an equitable and workable parenting coalition and partnership between the biological parent, the ex-partner and the step-parent can take time. Jealousy of someone else taking over a role deemed to be theirs can disrupt this. For example, an ex-partner may resent the step-parent for being in the house, but also for being able to exercise a parental and disciplinary role in relation to their children. It is important to emphasise that only the role of partner is relinquished at separation not the role of parent, and so a 'business partnership' is vital in order to focus on effective parenting of their joint children. This may not be possible if there has been prior violence and abuse or where there is ongoing conflict with the couple. Having specific parenting strategies in place, can reduce conflict between adults, and ensure that little issues not become the beginning of a major battle. If a new female partner has children, it is likely that the children will be residing with her, and that the male will spend more time with these children than his own.This may raise ongoing loss and grief issues and strong feelings about financial issues and legal responsibilities for the stepfather. Men who re-partner are most likely to have a contact parent role with their children. Some separated men (13% ABS, 1997) will be in the residential parent role. It may be a large adjustment for them to take on a primary caregiver role and to develop their parenting skills. The need to balance parenting and financial survival may also affect decisions about which partner takes the primary care-giver role. Similarly the 54% of women with dependent children who repartner may also need to juggle between parenting and work roles (McDonald, 1993). Their households may receive financial and emotional support from a man who also has parental and child support responsibilities to children from a prior family. Children Children in a repartnered family can still yearn for their first family, and may not readily accept a new adult in their lives. Unless a relationship with the new partner is established, the authority to discipline will not be granted or heeded by children, even if the step-parent tries to use it. For children the issues of parenting are clear. They may want to know:
Extended family 'The establishment of a repartnered family shows to grandparents and friends that this is a new beginning and also the end of the former family.' They may have some ambivalence about the new relationship and not know what will now be expected of them. The role of the extended family at this time is to provide sensitive support, seeking to recognise gaps in parenting. This will require flexibility as they adjust to the possibility of the new partner taking up roles that they had previously performed. A step-parent may decide that they wish to have no role in parenting. This can come as a surprise and an affront to loyal grandparents. The grandparents may have been waiting for a new adult to come into their adult child's life so that they could reduce their involvement in some of the parenting tasks that they had undertaken simply to help out in the short term. Grandparents may disapprove of, or dislike, the parenting methods of the new partner, and some grandparents may need support to understand and acknowledge that there are different styles of parenting which are quite legitimate. |