Repartnering

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Emotions

 Key issues

• Understanding the complexity of emotions experienced by family members within a repartnered family, and their ex-partner's family.
• Acknowledging and learning to accept the presence of strong emotions, including anger.
• Finding ways to deal with these strong emotions.

 Myths

• We'll never get it together.
• They're always keeping secrets from me.
• All step-families should and will love each other.
• I'm instantly expected to be their mother.
• The kids don't want to have anything to do with me.

 Background notes

The concepts in this section will be addressed by considering each of the myths relevant to emotions.

'All stepfamilies should and will love each other.'

This myth assumes that in the end, the people from the different families will all automatically love each other. This may not always be the case.

While the couple themselves will probably love each other, other members of the family may realistically only be able to show courtesy and respect for each other.

It takes time to create and develop good and healthy relationships.The repartnered family is made suddenly (compared to a biological one), so there is little or no time for people to adjust to each other. It takes a considerable level of tolerance and compassion to accept another family's oddities.

The repartnered family asks a great deal of its members in relation to patience, acceptance of difference, respect for other ways of doing things, and respect for different values.

Members of repartnered families are expected to show levels of tolerance and compassion while adjusting to lots of changes in relationships, households and new and different demands made by new and different people.

Love is not automatic, but it may grow from tolerance, acceptance and respect.

Adults

Repartnered adults often report being surprised by the intensity of their emotions, which range from excitement and optimism to sadness, anger and despair.

'We'll never get it together.'

'The kids don't want to have anything to do with me.'

'The new partner can wonder where they fit in, and resent the time constraints that children impose upon their partner.'

After the fantasy stage has waned, a biological parent with children who repartners a person with no children often experiences guilt. They wonder where the emotional trade-offs for the partner are, and feel helpless about being unable to reciprocate in a meaningful way. They feel the new partner is burdened by being a partner and a step-parent to children they did not want.

Jealousy can also arise if one partner still has close emotional ties (healthy or otherwise) to their ex-partner. The step-parent can again feel left out of an alliance that seems pitted against them.

To cope with these feelings of jealousy a new partner will often lay all the blame on the ex-partner and claim that they are intruding in the new relationship. This can be very unhelpful especially if the contact is about ongoing shared parenting responsibilities.

'They're always keeping secrets from me.'

Step-parents often feel that they are expendable.They feel that they are expected to be a parent most of the time, but as soon as the other biological parent is present (in person or on the telephone), they are expected to become less visible.This too can give rise to jealousy and resentment.

'I'm instantly expected to be their mother'

The new partner can also resent the way an ex-partner appears to intrude in the current family, bringing baggage from the past with them. This is particularly true if the new partner perceives the ex-partner treating the children unfairly or negatively.

The ex-partner often experiences painful feelings of:

• sadness
• hurt
• resentment
• powerlessness
• loss of control
• doubts as to how well their children are cared for
• fear that the step-parent will replace them in their children's affections.

In such a potentially vulnerable state it is easy for the parents to make the children the vehicle for finding out information, acting as messengers, and attempting to punish their ex-partner.

Children

Children in repartnered families commonly feel resentment, frustration, bewilderment and sadness as they struggle to find a place and understand how to feel about the changes they face in their lives.

Having two homes, (and in some cases two new step-parents) can be confusing and unsettling for children, unless they have things clearly explained to them. Feeling obligated to like the new step-parent/s because this seems to be what the parents expect, is very difficult for children, who may be wishing the new partner did not exist.

Children often resent and feel jealous of their parent's new relationships, but don't always understand that jealousy is the uncomfortable emotion they are experiencing.

Children struggle with confusing feelings.

'If I love my stepdad, does this mean I don't love my dad?'

'Will I hurt my mum if I don't love her new partner?'

'Who are these kids who are meant to be my family? I hate them.'

'I don't feel good about this, it must be my fault.'

Uncertainty and tension in the household can cause a child to feel apprehensive about the future.

For many children, the wish that their parents would reunite persists and can lead to a pervasive depression which can last well into adulthood.

Extended family

A common concern for grandparents, particularly if they have been involved with their grandchildren, is the possibility that contact with them will be reduced.

They may worry about how they can maintain contact with both the ex-partner and the repartnered biological parent, who are the parents of their grandchildren, and they may be concerned that they will be asked to choose between them.

They can also experience sadness about the end of the first family with the beginning of the repartnered family. Grandparents also report feeling anxious about the way the new partner will treat their grandchildren. They also worry about how the relationship with the new partner might affect their child's relationship with them.

If they can be included in the new family and they are open to change, they may have feelings of hope for the future for the new family, and feel empowered to continue being supportive, although it may take years for their new relationships to consolidate.

Family friends may feel that they cannot remain friends with both adults, and feel pressure to choose which parent to support. This can be particularly difficult if a family friend has a special role in a child's life, as they may feel obliged to withdraw from that role because of the changes.

Group exercises

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