RepartneringTABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME RelationshipsKey issues
Myths
Background notes When a repartnered family comes together, people are optimistic and hopeful.They want to settle down. They hope that all the family members will be happy so that they can become a new family. Adults There is no right time to decide to repartner. The age of the children, the length of time between relationships, the number of relationships a person has had, will all determine how different family members react, accept and adjust to a new family. There are a variety of repartnering solutions:
Early in a new relationship it is not uncommon for the biological parent and the step-parent to discourage involvement from the former partner. This can happen whoever has the full-time care of the children involved. This may change over time as the couple recognise the value of the ex-partner remaining involved or accept that it has to be that way. This will require negotiation as the ex-partner may have made adjustments to their life to cope with the rejection, and may not be willing to be involved in the way the new couple would like. For some, this is resolved and over time it sometimes becomes possible to have joint celebrations. This can, however, have complicated consequences for the step-parent. This means that there needs to be a high level of communication between the new partners, which will require that they have time for each other without their children. The couple relationship is central to the repartnered family but there may have been little time to develop their relationship, therefore the couple needs to give priority to the multiple relationships generated by their coming together. They need to set aside time to develop the 'us' relationship by doing such things as:
'The 'us' relationship in a nuclear family usually develops over time, before the arrival of children.' In a repartnered family where there are already children that live for most of the time in the repartnered household, there is little time for the 'us' relationship unless it is given priority and planned. Introducing the new partner to the children can be problematic. Often children are confronted with a fait accompli and are then expected to be happy about their parent's choice. A new partner may be keen to develop a relationship with their stepchildren, but this enthusiasm may not be reciprocated, and pressure from their partner to adopt a carer role might push the child and make them uncomfortable. New partners frequently feel ambivalent about becoming step-parents and this can cause strain in the early phases of repartnering. A gradual introduction of the new partner is usually the most effective, with the adult taking cues from the child about how quickly to develop the relationship. It is important not to ask the child to divide their loyalty between the new partner and their biological parent, just as it is important not to ask the child to choose between their parents when they separate. Consideration needs to be given to how well the child has come to terms with the loss of the first family. For example, if they are still actively mourning the loss of a parent they will not readily accept another adult. The step-parent's experience of parenting will also influence their ability to make a ready connection with their stepchild. If this is a person's first experience with children and parenting, they will feel inexperienced and might be overwhelmed by the constant demands of children. Depending on how the children react to the new partner, the new step-parent may also be underwhelmed by the demands from the children who demand nothing from the new partner in silent protest about the new relationship. The children may not want to accept the step-parent and might do everything in their power to ensure that the adult relationship flounders - the silent treatment is a common tactic. They may refuse to speak or respond to the step-parent, they may even criticise them. They may demand to live with the ex-partner even if this is not feasible. The step-parent's response needs to be consistent and respectful regardless of the children's provocation. It may be that a love relationship between the step-parent and the children never develops, but a respectful relationship can be established, with consistent effort. 'When we got together I busted my gut to make this family work. One day it just got too much and I walked out. I decided I had had enough of the kids' attitude towards me. It was then, when I stopped trying that the family thing began to work.' If a child does not seem to accept their step-parent, it is important to:
It needs to be recognised that it can feel like a tightrope act to try to maintain and develop current friendships and maintain links with those from the past. As the repartnered family begins life with children, adults can be confused about sexual behaviour and the limits of privacy within the household. Each adult might have different rules about sexuality and privacy and be offended by the behaviour of their partner and their children. As unpalatable as it might be, it needs to be said that there may be situations where some adults are sexually attracted to their stepchildren, who may be seen as an attractive, younger version of their partner. This may occur particularly where children visit, and are not resident in the home. It can also happen in reverse, where adolescent children may be attracted to their step-parents. While this clearly does not happen in all families, it is an issue which some families may need to address. Rules need to be established about behaviour and privacy to avoid incidents, which can occur deliberately or inadvertently. Examples of rules might be: no walking around in the nude; expecting underwear to be worn; rules about who showers with whom. It might be helpful to call on a trusted friend or family member (one that is particularly trusted by the child or adolescent) and ask them to broach the issue with the adolescent - or at least open the door to speaking about issues related to sexuality. Many adolescents would not feel comfortable 'confessing' these things to their parents without the added awkwardness of the situation involving their parent's partner. The aim of 'opening the door' through a friend or family member would also be to ensure that the adolescent has someone to talk to. This person can be a reliable guide and can appropriately convey the parent's idea of acceptable behaviour without embarrassing or accusing anyone. With the onset of adolescence, a child can be hurt when a step-parent no longer allows physical contact for fear that there could be a sexual component in it. Similarly a parent can feel rebuffed when an adolescent no longer freely gives hugs and kisses. Parents may need assistance to understand that this is part of normal and healthy adolescent development. The adolescent is developing their own personal independence and sexual identity. This has to be managed in a repartnered family, as it does in any family. It involves instilling family-specific expectations and values about acceptable sexual behaviour that will influence children's behaviour inside and outside the family. There is an added dimension of complexity in the repartnered family because this issue may have to be faced relatively immediately, before there has been an opportunity for the relevant attitudes and expectations to be developed. Children Children's loyalties are usually to their biological parents, regardless of how the parents behave. Children do not like being put in the situation where they are forced to divide their loyalties. It is not fair to do this to children. 'It is important not to ask the child to divide their loyalty between the new partner and their biological parent, just as it is important not to ask the child to choose between their parents when they separate.' Often a parent may be so keen for their child to like a new step-parent, that the child may interpret this as the parent asking them to favour this person above their biological parent (the ex-partner). feel about a new step-parent, the child may test the step-parent to see if they are worthy. Questions which dominate a child's thinking at this time are:
Even if sexual attraction is not present between stepsiblings, sexual experimentation between stepsiblings and friends may occur and clear messages about acceptable and non-acceptable behaviour needs to be established. Extended family Grandparents may not like their adult child's choice of a new partner but they do have a choice about how they can react to the new relationship. It is not positive for grandparents to make comparisons between the new partner and the ex-partner. Making this comparison to a child is dangerous as it raises issues of loyalty and seems that they too are being asked to make judgements about which person is better, their parent or their step-parent. The grandparents will have to determine what sort of relationship they are going to have with the ex-partner as well. As there are no social 'rules' about this some people find it difficult to know what to do. They might decide to maintain a relationship purely on the grounds of being supportive to the children, or they may prefer to sever links altogether. Consideration will need to be given as to what relationship the grandparents are going to establish with the step-parent and their children. Common questions grandparents need to know the answers to include:
In some stepfamilies there could be four sets of grandparents involved! |