Repartnering

Roles, identity and boundaries

Key issues

Understanding the phases of development of a repartnered family.
Assisting children to move comfortably between two homes.
Beginning to build family traditions.

Myths

The kids will accept you faster if they call you dad/ mum.
All the children in a repartnered family will get on well together.
Part-time stepfamilies where children 'visit' have an easier time than full-time families where children 'live in'.

Background notes

One of the confusing aspects of being a member of a repartnered family is the reality that the boundaries are not clear. Another is that each member has a number of roles, some of them new.

The range of configurations in repartnered families is very diverse and can include:

Families where one partner has no children and the other partner has children from a previous relationship, (the partner without the children may or may not have been in a committed relationship before and may be experiencing for the first time a partnership and 'ready-made' children).
Families in which both adults have children from previous relationships.
Families in which some children live full-time and some live part-time.
Families in which some children are from previous relationships and some are the biological and/or adopted children of this couple.
Same-sex couples with children from previous relationships.
Families where the new partner has little age difference from the children.
Families where the new partner is considerably older than the children and the children's biological parent.
Families where both partners have children from both the previous and the current relationships and the children's ages span from early childhood to adulthood.

The characteristics of a repartnered family are:

The intimate adult relationship is not formed prior to the advent of children (although they may have known each other through social contacts).
There are no blood ties between some family members.
The repartnered family has experienced loss in:
- relationships
- community
- unfulfilled hopes for previous relationships and family.
All individuals come into a repartnered family with previous family histories.
Initially there are no shared family history or traditions.
There is a biological parent and their extended family outside the repartnered family (which may exert an enormous influence).
The boundaries of a repartnered family are not clear:
- children may be members of two households
- parental authority, decision-making and financial arrangements are often shared between two households
- the legal status of the family may be married or de facto.

Phases in establishing a repartnered family

Understanding some of the recurring themes for repartnered families will assist service providers to deal effectively with family members. Understanding the themes will also assist family members to make sense of the dynamic intensity (and confusion) that is inevitably part of establishing a repartnered family.

The repartnered family does not stop evolving after its formation. There are phases, which if not understood, can be misinterpreted as heading towards disintegration.These phases are not linear and for some people they feel repetitive and circular. A repartnered family may jump from one phase to another, but each phase indicates a new point in establishing the repartnered family.

The key phases are:

fantasy
confusion
chaos
stability
commitment.

These phases overlap in a variety of ways and are part of the process of unifying a group of previously unrelated individuals, as they each:

Refine their individual identities
Draw boundaries around their roles, personal space, shared space, loyalties, and need for privacy.

This process is an essential part of developing:

A new sense of identity for each individual
New rules for the new family
A shared sense of responsibility
New rituals for the new family
New relationships within the new family
New relationships with family members now outside the household
Ways of handling conflict within the new family and with family members now outside the household.

It is part of the process whereby the repartnered family develops its own identity as a family and creates its own social history.

For most repartnered families it's a stormy and turbulent time in previously uncharted waters.

Fantasy

Refers to the tendency family members have to idealise the new family and its possibilities which can lead to them seeing an idealised family without the sharpness and challenges of reality.

Families see no need to change, or underestimate the requirements of change. The family is different for adults and children. Adults hope for a family that will be bigger better than a nuclear family.

The children may still be hoping that the original family will get back together.

Adults are therefore looking forward to a fantasy future and the children are looking back to a past they wished had been able to continue.

Confusion

This is the phase where adults fear the demands of change. Adults recognise that the family is not working out as they expected (that is, like a biological family).

The step-parent can feel a failure, as they have been unable to create a happy family.

The confusion is made worse by feelings of not knowing what needs to be done to make it different.

Chaos

The need for change is recognised but often is not clear what sort of change or how to make it happen. This can be a time of crisis and turbulence when members think the new family is disintegrating.

Members are likely to experience a sense of disappointment that the family is not working. They may also feel very discouraged.

Loyalty is often split along biological lines which makes it feel as if integration of the two families will never happen.

It is a time when families often recognise the difficulties and seek assistance. Sometimes families need help to recognise that they need professional support.

Stability

The family becomes more open to change. This tends to occur when there is a growing acceptance of what is realistic for this family, and a growing acceptance and tolerance of the differences.

Commitment

Refers to the growing recognition and acceptance that change does not necessarily mean disintegration, but is a necessary part of successfully establishing the new family.

For most repartnered families, elements of the above phases are woven into various (sometimes repetitive) episodes as the new family and the respective family members make the necessary changes and adjustments. This period may last for several years in some repartnered families. Being able to recognise patterns, having an understanding of what is happening and having relevant navigation skills is therefore critical to members of repartnering families.

Adults

For both adults there is a myriad of roles in a repartnered family and the adults may at times wonder,'Who am I in all of this?'

The question,'Where do I fit into the various smaller groupings within the family?' also looms. If a partner has been in a previous relationship there will be questions and comparisons: Is this relationship the same or different to the last one? How? Do I like it this way? Will the fact that it's different or similar mean it will work better?

The new partner will wonder where they fit in, especially if they have no children of their own. They may have an idealised notion of what a partnership with someone who has children is like. Experience in working with repartnered families suggests that non-biological parents can often underestimate the time and attention that children demand. Friction can arise from this, with the non-biological parent feeling neglected or used by the biological parent.

'It is the biological parent who can include and reassure the step-parent, so that the step-parent can make a healthy choice rather than a choice based on hurt feelings or uncertainty.'

It is common for a step-parent to feel out of place at traditional family celebrations, for example, Christmas, birthdays, weddings and funerals. Some step-parents cope with this by withdrawing and allowing the biological family to take part in these events on their own.

It is also important to think about how the partner with children might feel when they meet their new partner's family. If the new partner does not have children, or has never been married, there may be some discomfort - the new partner's parents may be concerned that their son or daughter is taking on 'baggage'.The new partner's parents may worry about how to respond to the children, and they might not be ready to be grandparents, let alone to children they have just met. Other family members might be suspicious of the motives of the parent-partner and may be concerned that they will return to their previous relationship.

All these things will probably be keenly felt by the partner with children - and they may fear that these things are being thought about - even if they are not.

It is essential that the repartnered family begins to build its own family traditions. A sense of family takes time to develop. Outside influences, and the changing composition of the family, (as children move between homes) can make it difficult in the early stages, but building family traditions is what cements the family's uniqueness.

In creating family traditions, it is important to respect histories, loyalties and the traditions from previous families. It is also important not to push family members to participate if they are unready to be part of family activities.

Traditions need not be big things.They may be favourite foods, special ways of doing things, undertaking new activities together.

To celebrate and reinforce new traditions it can be helpful to record family events, by:

Keeping a diary
Taking photos
Using a pin board to display children's drawings
Keeping momentos from family outings
Planting a tree to commemorate an event special to the new family.

A new baby in the family - the child of the new partners - usually changes the dynamics of a repartnered family.

The baby's birth has the ability to do many things:

Create bonds within the family
Alienate children so that they withdraw
Bond the couple but alienate the children.

Problems are more likely to arise if a step-parent has not had any children previously and is unaware of the special bond between parent and child and the time and energy involved in caring for a new baby.

The arrival of a new baby means that the biological parent needs to reassure their children that they are still much loved, and always will be, and that this baby will not change the parent's ongoing love and concern for them.

The fantasy of the positive impact that the new baby will have on the whole family gradually fades. It is often the step-parent who recognises that there are problems for the other children which are related to the new baby.

The biological parent may resolutely deny that there are contentious issues, while inwardly fearing the possibility of the relationship failing.

Alternatively, many parents worry that the birth of a new baby will cause many problems with the children and prepare themselves to deal with any number of terrible possibilities based on jealousy and insecurity. Many parents can be surprised at the enthusiasm and love existing children have for a new baby.

Children

Children who have grown up in one family will wonder how this new relationship and the new family is going to be worked out, and what their place in it will be.

The key questions for them are:

Who am I?
What is my role in this family?

The questions will need to be answered by them in terms of both households. The experiences from one house to another may change. A child may be the oldest in one family and then move to the other house where they are a middle child. For example, they may know in one household that they should clean the bath but be uncertain about whether this is expected in the other household, particularly if they are no longer the older 'responsible' one.

It is confusing to children if the ways of doing things in each household are not clear. Children can cope with different rules, behaviours and ways of living in two houses, so long as the expectations are clear.

Territory can however be an issue. If a child has never shared a room before and is now expected to share with a step sibling - or even their own brother or sister - they might feel overwhelmed. This might be compounded if they are expected to share a room with a stepsibling who is quite comfortable about sharing space and who does not understand the other's need for privacy.

A child who visits one household might feel as if they do not have a space of their own at that house. Even if space is limited, the allocation of a drawer or a cupboard that is exclusively theirs can indicate to a child that they are valued and have a place in the family. It is important that all the children have a sense of where their space is in each house they visit or reside in.

Households can be different and ex-partners can often want to know what happens in the 'other' house. To gain this information children are often asked questions about what happens in the ex-partner's house. Typical questions (that might sound familiar to couples) range from the innocent to the more probing. Some examples include:

Who picks up the kids from school?
Who sleeps where in mum/dad's house?
What do you eat for dinner?
Does X cook? Well?
Do you go out much?
Do they spend a lot of money?
What time do you go to bed?

While some of these questions may reflect general (and genuine) interest, parents need to be reminded not to use children to gather private information. Children will know that what is happening is not right, and will feel compromised.

Tension in either home can affect a child. The child may experience difficulties in one house and then have to return to their other household which is also experiencing tension, thus having to cope with two sets of domestic tension. For example, if there is tension between adults in the repartnered family and the child visits the ex-partner, it will be the ex-partner who has to manage the child's reactions to changing residence and the conflict at the other house. The ex-partner can resent this, as it is an intrusion into their time, and can lead to friction between biological parents.

Children may also be feeling some sense of guilt or discomfort if they like their parent's new partner.

They might feel this is an inherent betrayal, even if their unpartnered parent is unconcerned about the new relationship. The problem is compounded if the child knows that their unpartnered parent does not like the new partner, whatever the reasons.

Finally, it is important that new partners and biological parents do not pander to their children - or bribe, cajole and force them into liking their new partnership. Children know when adults are trying to sweeten them up and they are likely to resent it, be confused by it or use it to their advantage. It's important for everyone to be themselves.

Extended family

For grandparents, particularly those who have been involved with the grandchildren, their concerns are also related to where and how they will fit into the new family arrangements and whether or not they need to terminate relationships with their child's ex-partner, who is now their ex son-or daughter-in-law.

Grandparents can offer a great source of stability to their grandchildren. They have known them all their lives, and will always be their grandparents. Both of these things should be pointed out to everyone concerned and grandparents should be allowed permission (and even encouraged) to prioritise their relationship with the grandchildren over and above their relationship with the new partner.

The quality of the grandparents' relationship with their new (or potential) son- or daughter-in-law, will be the key to a good relationship with the new family. The attitudes of the new partners to including or excluding the grandparents will be influential in forming the ongoing relationship.

If the new partner has children, they will need to develop links with those children, while maintaining the closer and special relationship they have with their own grandchildren. Doing this in an even-handed way can be challenging.

Grandparents need to realise that it will take time for new patterns to be established. 'Children may be feeling sense of guilt discomfort like their parent's new partner.

Group exercises

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