Repartnering

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Background

This stage refers to the period in people's lives when they repartner after the break-up of a previous relationship, with the intention of establishing an ongoing relationship.

It needs to be acknowledged that this might also happen when a previous relationship has not yet concluded. It is not uncommon for people to seek hope - or even a way out - through a new relationship and this situation is much more complicated for everyone, especially for children.

The repartnering process includes preparing for, establishing and consolidating a new relationship. Back on track focuses specifically on circumstances where one or both partners have children from a previous relationship.

Repartnered families are also referred to as step or blended families.

This section covers the developments that are part of establishing a repartnered family. It addresses the phases of fantasy, confusion, and chaos which characterise the transitions and adjustments required of all family members. This includes the adults (the new partners and their ex-partners), the children (of both families and in time, of the new family), the extended family (now the multiple extended families).

'This family will be great because we love each other.'

Research and studies indicate that it can take anywhere between two to five years for the pieces of a repartnered family jigsaw to 'fit'. It takes time for everyone in a repartnered family to face, and resolve, the challenges and complexities of forming a new family unit.

It is important to emphasise that repartnering will be different for each member of the family. They will each interpret events in their own way. The experience will be influenced by where they are in their individual lifecycles. For example, one adult may have children, the other none; one adult may have adult children and the other toddlers.

'You can call me mum/dad.'

As with each of the preceding stages, repartnering happens in a wide variety of circumstances. For some people, repartnering occurs immediately following separation, for others it occurs many years later. Some people plan the process as carefully as possible and for some it evolves more chaotically.

The repartnered family may also be created at a time when adolescents are preparing to lead independent lives. This might mean that the adolescents in the family are not as interested in being involved in the new family unit.

Exploding the mythology of the stepfamily

There are many myths about 'stepfamilies'. Most of them are untrue and all of them are unhelpful to repartnering families.

Myths develop culturally as a way to understanding how things operate. They may allow people to make superficial sense of an issue without analysing the situation. People are often unaware of how their belief in these cultural stereotypes affects them. They can feel pressure from within themselves or from others, to conform to expectations of what it means to be a stepmother or stepfather. Unexamined beliefs in myths can lead to unrealistic expectations, which in turn can foster feelings of guilt, inadequacy and failure when the expected outcomes are not achieved.

Common community beliefs about how families function are based on the social construct of an 'ideal' nuclear family. This idealised version of a family is not appropriate for stepfamilies because it imposes many unrealistic expectations.

The reality is that there are often higher levels of conflict and tension within a repartnered family because of the complexity of that family. The sheer impact of bringing together two already existing families to become one family demands a flexibility and tolerance far greater than the demands made of a biological family.

The fairytales we all grew up with, such as Cinderella or Hansel and Gretel, describe a wicked step-parent and these negative stereotypes can often lead to confusion about the motives of a step-parent. In reality, the majority of step-parents are concerned and caring about their stepchildren but the term itself and the historical connotations of the term add to the difficulties inherent in the role.

Another prevailing myth is that families which form after one parent's death, when the surviving parent repartners, have fewer problems than those forming after a separation.

This situation can become a long-term problem if the death of the parent is not mourned 'properly', particularly in the eyes of the children. A failure to acknowledge this grief can result in children (and even the surviving partner) idealising the dead parent. This situation can paralyse a new relationship; there is no way a new partner can overcome these feelings on their own - even if they do recognise them for what they are.

Many parents feel that they may be damaging their children forever if they separate or divorce from their partners.

This can also be true of step-parents who may believe that their stepchildren (regardless of whether they have any children of their own) will be emotionally scarred and therefore difficult to manage. Research does not support this but many parents still believe it.

The idea that stepchildren are always scarred by the experience and never get over it means that many step-parents make unnecessary exceptions for the children or leave themselves open to manipulation. Few people go for long periods being manipulated without recognising it and resenting it. While it is important for children to set the pace for the development of a relationship with the new step-parent, it is important that the new partner is also allowed some freedom.

It is known that what is harmful to children is not the actual separation or divorce, but the level of ongoing conflict between the parents. The painful reality is that there can be ongoing conflict for many years and it is important it is managed.

If parents cannot resolve their differences and manage the conflicts there may be no other option but to sever ties with the ex-partner at this point. This does not necessarily mean that the children must also sever ties. Arrangements can be made for the 'handover' of children by a person - often a family member or friend - who is acceptable to both parents. This is the most extreme position but not unheard of or even unusual. Many communities have a community house or agency that can function as neutral territory for the drop-off and pick-up of children where it is not possible for parents to come face-to-face with each other without conflict.

The severing of all contact with a parent should only be considered in extreme circumstances, where abuse of the children is the issue. In the case of violence or any kind of abuse, there is also the possibility of supervised access for the children. These situations are normally the subject of a Family Court order.

Conflict is often only seen as distressing and undesirable. However, children will always have to deal with conflict in their lives. The younger children are when they see or experience positive ways to resolve conflict, the more likely they are to handle their own conflicts positively and non-violently.

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