Handout 19
Developing a parenting coalition between ex-partners
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A parenting coalition is a business arrangement between households.
Advantages:
- Adults can cooperate with each other. They do not have to remain defensive.
- Children's divided loyalties are reduced.
- Children are more comfortable and less fearful because anything they do or say will not cause hostility towards either household.
- Responsibility for raising children is shared.
- More flexibility between households is possible.
- Step-parents are included in decisions which affect their lives.
- Extra adults working on issues means ex-partners are less likely to fall into past, negative patterns.
- Having all adults working together informs children that their lives have now moved on. The new couple (or couples where both ex-partners have formed a relationship) is now the adult unit that the child responds to.
What gets in the way
Adults may fear that their children will want to spend more time in their other household. If both households feel fearful and threatened it is unlikely that they will be able to cooperate.
Adults may be talking openly in critical ways about an adult in the other household. Remember not to make critical comments in front of the children.Where children report criticisms made of your household, explain that you are sorry this opinion is held because the other parent does not live here and so may not be aware what it really is like. By not putting down the other household, children are free to develop their own opinions.
Having a high level of contact in relation to the children, leaving the step-parent out of situations, responding to many unexpected requests, can indicate that one or both ex-partners have not fully separated. This can lead to the step-parent feeling insecure. If this happens contact between ex-partners can then be experienced as upsetting, rather than positive.
How to get a parenting coalition started
Begin by building up trust between households by:- Making positive comments to the adults in the other household, for example 'Thank you for driving Jan to basketball'.
- Keeping the other household informed about important events. For example, when a child is ill, let the other household know what the doctor has advised and the treatment that was recommended.
- Using a third party such as a local mediator to help you agree on school and other arrangements involving the children, if this proves difficult to do on your own. A mediator is a person who will assist both parties to come to a mutually-acceptable decision, without siding with one party against the other. A mediator does not offer advice or make decisions for the people. They will assist people to come up with their own ideas or solutions.
Adapted from: Visher E and Visher J How to Win as a Stepfamily: 78-81