Handout 12
Conflict resolution notes
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Why conflict resolution?
Conflict is a normal and natural part of family life. As young children learn to express their wants and needs, conflict with parents, siblings, friends, and others often results. Young children can learn many positive things from these conflicts - how to deal with other people, how feelings affect behaviour, and how to be assertive. The aim of creative conflict resolution is to handle these conflicts in ways that will meet the needs of everyone involved. The more young children see and experience this kind of conflict resolution, the more likely they are to handle their own conflicts positively and non-violently.
There are many ways to handle conflict and most of them have potential uses and limitations. Negotiation is talking things out and solving problems. Being directive is the opposite of negotiating, it's saying,'This is how it's going to be'. Compromise is when both parties give something up to reach an agreement. Avoidance is not dealing with the conflict at all. Mediation involves a neutral third party helping you to negotiate a solution. All can be appropriate depending on the situation.
The example you set shows your child that conflict need not escalate into violence and aggression. This is particularly important for young children who are developing their understanding of how the world works, based on what they see around them. How you handle conflict can help your child learn critical skills like problem solving and negotiation. Conflict doesn't have to destroy relationships - it can actually improve them.
Conflict resolution with your child
- Acknowledge your child's feelings. Children can't always get what they want in a conflict, but they can have their feelings recognised. Saying,'You sound pretty angry' or 'I can see you're upset about this,' lets children know that their feelings are important, whatever the outcome of the conflict. It also helps them learn to name their feelings.
- Young children have difficulty understanding how their actions affect others. Re-enact a conflict using puppets or stuffed animals.You can use these toys to help your child name the feelings in the conflict, identify the sequence of events, and develop new solutions to the problems.
- Avoid making personal attacks ('You're such an idiot') or global statements ('You never get ready on time'). Such statements will make the conflict worse and increase the strain between you and your child. Instead, give your own perspective by starting your statements with 'I,' such as 'I'm frustrated when you aren't ready on time because it makes us late'.
- Look at the conflict as a problem to be solved instead of a contest to be won. Involve children in the solution. Say: 'Here's the problem as I see it. How do you see it? What are we going to do about it?'
- Young children are often confused by too many choices.When you have a conflict with your child, present two or three possible options that are acceptable to both of you.Then, with your child, choose the one that seems to be best.
- Using conflict resolution does not mean giving up your authority. Young children need limits.
- Be aware of how you usually respond to conflict. Do you avoid it? Fly off the handle? Take charge? Negotiate? If you find yourself relying on the same methods for handling conflict, try to expand your range of peacemaking skills.
- Know your 'angry triggers,' the words, behaviours, attitudes that set you off. Knowing your angry triggers can help you manage your feelings during conflicts. Children need to see that people can be angry without being abusive or out-of-control.
- Aim for win-win solutions in which both you and your child get part of what you really wanted. With young children it's helpful to call these 'thumbs up' solutions. These are when both of you can give the solutions a 'thumbs up' sign.
- Set up a way to deal with conflicts that affect the whole family. You might have family meetings to discuss problems and come up with mutual solutions. Some families have a 'conflict jar' - conflicts or family problems are written down and placed in the jar for a family meeting.
- Let your children know the family's values about conflict. Say: 'In this family, we don't hit when we're angry,' or 'We talk things out instead of fighting'. Make it clear that violence is not acceptable in or out of the home.
- Make common courtesy a family value. Good manners are a mark of respect and can help to ease tensions in conflicts both at home and in the community.
- Read stories to your children that show characters resolving conflicts in constructive, non-violent ways. These reading sessions can be a wonderful way to build family closeness and teach conflict resolution.
- Young children are often attracted to play that uses pretend violence, toy soldiers, and weapons.This is normal part of growing up.While it may be tempting to try to ban this play, many parents have found that this isn't effective. Instead, suggest compelling alternatives to engage your child in constructive, non-violent play.
- If your child has seen or experienced violence, it's important to talk to them about it. Young children will often assume that the violence they see in the world, both on television and in person, can happen to them. Listen and reflect their feelings 'That must have been scary.' It's important to assure your child that the adults in their life - parents, school staff - are working hard to keep children safe.
These notes are closley based on a guide developed for the American Public Television outreach Alliance by the Resolving Conflict Creatively Program (RCCP) National Centre, an initiative of Educators for Social Responsibility. (Funded by the Corporation for Public Broadcasting.)