Handout 11
Positive discipline techniques
TABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME
It is important to experiment and see which of these techniques work for you and your children.
Different things work for different people - and each child is different within the family.
You may need a wide repertoire for handling different children effectively.
1. Let children know what you expect/set clear limits
Be clear and direct about what you want your child to do.
For example, 'You may play with Brian until I call you for lunch. Then you must come home'.
2. Redirect
Children need to know what they can and can't do
For example, 'The couch is not for jumping on, but you can jump on the floor'.
3. Have positive expectations
Use positive language to talk to your children.
For example, 'It would be helpful if you put your toys away'. Compare this with negative talk such as 'You never put your toys away! You are so lazy'.
4. Give a warning
Warn children that you are beginning to tire of their behaviour.
For example, 'I am getting tired of that. If you keep it up, I am going to send you to your room or unplug the stereo or stop you reading the story.
5. Stay simple
Rather than a long-winded speech, a short statement or word can help a child to cooperate
For example, A stern glance while saying 'I don't like that. Cut it out'.
6. Be clear and emphatic
When you are not prepared to discuss the situation, say so.
For example, 'You must put this jacket on now. You have no choice in the matter'.
7. Say 'as soon as'
Make sure a child is sure of your request.
For example, 'As soon as you brush your teeth, I'll read the book to you'.
8. Use playfulness
Playfulness can be a wonderful way to gain cooperation.
For example, 'Let's pack up the toys before they hide from us, and the toy basket'.
9. Turn the problem into a game (for younger children)
Play a game appropriate to the child's age.
For example, 'If I close my eyes and count to 10, I bet your jumper will be magic and put itself on'.
10. Write a note (this is for older children)
For example, 'It would be a great help if you bring in the clothes before I get home from work. I'll be home at 5 pm'.
11. Solve problems together
Children and parents can work together at problem-solving around a discipline issue.
Children can have some excellent ideas about what should happen to them. Sometimes it's good to wait until everyone has calmed down.
12. Say 'you wish'
Acknowledging a child's wish may relieve their feelings, making them able to accept reality more easily.
For example, 'You wish you were grown-up and could watch this TV show, but now is your bedtime'.
13. Let children air their feelings
For example, 'Mummy I don't want to eat tea, because potatoes make me feel sick, and I hate them'.
14. Be flexible
For example, 'You can put up whatever you like on your walls, so long as you don't use nails'.
Older children need a little more freedom. Give them the opportunity to make their own decisions with clear guidelines.
15. Offer choices instead of threats
Threats are dares. Children find dares hard to resist.
For example, 'If you change the TV channel one more time, I'll...' Offer a choice,'You can watch channel X or the TV will be switched off'. Follow through with your statement if the behaviour continues: 'You have changed channels again, so I will switch off the TV.
Choose another activity'.
16. Be firm but kind
- State the rule and the reason for it, for example, 'Walls are not to write on. Clean walls look nice in our home'.
- Offer an alternative activity, for example, 'Here's a book to colour in'.
- Repeat the limit, even several times. Children do not jump on command. Remember that they are learning.
- Stick to your rules, don't confuse children with mixed messages. For example, 'You've written on the wall, so I guess a little more writing won't matter'.
- State limits impersonally as it removes the focus from the child and looks at the rule itself.
17. Don't rub it in
Don't dwell on the matter or say 'I told you so'. To 'rub it in' creates a resentful child.
18. Make realistic requests
Your requests should meet the 'age and stage' your child is at. Parents often expect more than their child is capable of. Recurring conflict over a certain situation could indicate your child isn't capable of doing what you ask.
19. Be reasonable
Make reasonable requests and change rules when they no longer apply.
For example, Young children go to bed early, so as they grow, their bedtime needs to change.
20. Create a distraction (for younger children)
Don't mention the misbehaviour, but take the child's mind off it by diverting their attention.
For example, A toddler is grizzling, and you attract their attention with a colourful ball.
21. Make a deal
Save this for 'time in need'. When you are exhausted and need to make things easier for yourself. The promise of a treat can come in handy.
For example, 'If you are quiet while we talk to our friends, I will take you to the park tomorrow'. (Make sure you follow through with the reward.)
22. Encourage a child to take responsibility
Encourage children to take responsibility for their behaviour.
For example, If a child has hurt another's feelings, ask the child to find a way to make the hurt better.
23. Give chances
If children don't improve their behaviour immediately, give them some more time.
For example, Three chances to meet your request.
24. Count
Most children love to get a job done before you can count to ten.
25. Make a request
Save commands and orders for when they are truly necessary.
For example, A dangerous situation.
Try a polite request to get other things done.
For example, 'How about cleaning things up?'
26. Give in
Sometimes it's not worth the battle. If you decide this you could say.
For example, 'I guess this really doesn't matter after all'.
27. Use role reversal
You be the child, let the child be you. Children can sometimes understand the rule better when they are 'the parent' and tell it to you 'the child'.
28. Provide a versatile environment
For example, inside, outside, quiet times, stimulating activities (such as loud dancing music). Make your home more child-friendly or child-proof.
29. Notice effort and improvement
Tell children when you notice they are trying to improve.
For example, after forgetting to put their plate on the sink after meals, a child begins to do this. You could say 'Thank you for putting your plate on the sink'.
30. Appreciate and acknowledge good behaviour
Spend a great deal of time praising good behaviour. This encourages its continuation.
31. Family meetings
Have a regular time to get together as a family (without the TV on) to discuss issues and plan things together.
32. Ignore some behaviour
Some behaviour, if not harming others or the child, will stop when ignored.