Future Directions

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Parenting

 Key issues

• Developing different parenting styles for varying parenting roles.
• Recognising the complexity of shared parenting.
• Becoming aware of the complexity of parenting when other adults are involved.
• Noting the practical difficulties of other adults coming into the family.
• Developing strategies to handle the varieties of discipline when a parent re-partners.
• Recognising the need for new adult partners to develop a relationship with children before they attempt to discipline them.

 Myths

• Seeing both couples will confuse the children.
• Once a partner is out of the house, they are no longer really a mum/dad.
• As long as the kids are happy doing their own thing they don't need to know the rest.

 Background notes

Parenting after a separation requires that adults see clearly what is in the best interests of the child. Parents can confuse their own need for complete separation from their ex-partner, with what the children need. Generally children benefit from having relationships with both parents.

Issues can easily become clouded through the involvement of others who, through their connection with either parent, may see parenting or disciplining as part of their new role. Possible 'partners' are:

• The adult with whom the children reside
• The ex-partner
• The parent's new companion/s
• The ex-partner's new companion/s
• The children's grandparents (possibly both sets of grandparents).

It is often not recognised by either parents or those around them that there is a need for different parenting strategies to accommodate this.

Adults

Many people have a series of relationships after separation, and each of their partners will bring different ways of parenting. In some instances, the adults have little time to develop joint parenting ideas before they are faced with the daily situations that require their action.

A partner with no previous experience in parenting will base their ideas on observation, theories or experiences they had with their own parents.

They will often have very high and possibly unrealistic expectations of their new partner's children; they might get impatient with the biological parent's seeming inability to be assertive with the children and may find the children unreasonably demanding.

This can place a strain on the new relationship and the children will notice the different views and approaches.

A new partner who has children will bring all their previous experiences and beliefs about parenting with them. Often this involves the belief that there is only one way of parenting, and often reflects an anxiety that their kids may miss out in the new arrangement.

It is important that both adults agree to support each other. The main issues are:

• That the biological parent undertakes most of the limit-setting for their own children, while the new adult seeks to develop a relationship with the children
• Any disagreements about parenting and what is fair and reasonable are dealt with later and in private by the adults
• Children often strongly resent their parent's new adult partner having any role in their discipline
• Unless issues are addressed by the adults, strong emotion can be acted out through excessive discipline of the children, or withdrawal from involvement with the children
• A new partner may feel guilty that they do not love their partner's children
• Differing rules for different children
• The influence of the ex-partner: whether or not they are supportive of their ex-partner's new relationship and the new partner's involvement with their children.

Maintaining a business relationship with the ex-partner is important so that joint parenting can continue. Parents who are responsible for ongoing daily care of the children, feel that the parenting is all up to them. They often feel resentment about this.

On the other hand, ex-partners often feel that they are left out when it comes to parenting their children and they feel resentful of that.

Parents may be fearful, or not know how to talk to their children about their adult relationships. It is important to communicate, so that the children will not read things inaccurately. Part of the difficulty in doing this is that the parent will have to talk about their sexuality, and this might be an issue they have never discussed with their children before. They may feel uncomfortable in doing this. It is also important that parents don't tell their children too much. It is not necessary for children to know all the details - just the ones that concern them.

'I knew I had to tell the kids about Bob, but how was the problem. I'd always just been Mum, a sort of sexless person, and now I had to talk to them about Bob coming to live with us... and sleeping in my bed.'

Talking with children is a vital ingredient in successful parenting, especially at this stage when changes in relationships can occur. The question is often asked: How much should I tell my children about what is happening either between the ex-partners, or in new relationships that are forming? It may be helpful to think of a continuum from no information, to too much information for their age.

The child might have to invent ideas to fill in the gaps and make sense of things if they are not given enough information.

This can lead to children creating explanations or conclusions. They can feel as if everyone else knows something and they are being left out. This can lead children to think they are being excluded from secrets. If there are secrets, they are usually revealed, and the parent then has to repair the damage.

'Too much information, or age-inappropriate information can overwhelm a child and leave them feeling burdened, without the resources to handle it.'

For each parent there is often a sense of disloyalty towards their children when a new relationship starts, and they fear that they are neglecting their parenting role. There is often confusion about how to prioritise their personal relationship needs, and at the same time, give their children a sense that being a parent is still very important to them.

It is important to emphasise to parents that it is okay for them to have adult relationships.

Parents do not have to put their life totally on hold. This can lead to being a very boring or disgruntled parent. But the needs of the children remain, and the parents' responsibility is to meet those needs.

Children

As separation becomes reality, children often face numerous fears, and parents need to talk about these with their children. Common fears include:

• Where will we all live?
• Will it always be like this?
• Will there be enough money?
• Am I still important if there is a new person in my parent's bed?
• What are the new rules and regulations?
• What can I say about my parents new relationships to my friends, and teachers?

'After my mum got involved with another man, I was just left to fend for myself. Eventually I just left home because there was nothing there for me anymore.'

'All I want is to be left to be a normal kid. Both my parents are so involved in my life, I feel I can't sneeze without them worrying.'

Children will be very quick to notice differences in parenting, either between their parents, or with their parents' new partners.

'Parents need to explain that in different homes there are different rules, and that this is okay.'

Children can cope with different rules in different houses, so long as they know that is the case. Talking about the differences in a fair and objective way is the best way to help children to understand, manage and accept the differences.

Confusion arises when the rules themselves are not clear. However, parents need to be prepared for the cry of injustice, and be able to explain reasons for the differences in ways that help children to understand and live with the differences.

Extended family

Grandparents may assume a greater level of parenting after a separation, to allow their adult child to go to work or to socialise. The increased baby-sitting may be initially anticipated, but this can grow into resentment if the parent fails to check regularly that the arrangement still suits both parties.

The ex-partner can resent the involvement of grandparents in the care of their children, especially if the other grandparents are excluded.

'The kids were meant to spend time with her when they went on visits, but she always worked and they were looked after by her parents.'

Group exercises

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