Future DirectionsTABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME EmotionsKey issues
Myths
Background notes The emotional roller-coaster of separating is carried over into the emotional landscape of this period. This is further complicated by the ambiguities involved in experiencing the emotions of the past, with those of the present, while contemplating an as yet unknown and undetermined emotional future. For many people the excitement of anticipating the future is counter-balanced by unexpected feelings of hopelessness, emptiness, despair and discouragement. Adults The period after a separation can be a time of great personal growth, and it can also be a time of much personal turmoil and constant change. The emotions of all of those involved are likely to be different, but most will follow an unsettling unpredictable pattern. 'I could never believe that I would be on a roller-coaster for so long.' The main issue for people at this stage is dealing with the emotions relating to their past, while at the same time handling emotions about their present situation, and the possibilities for the future. For example, they might be grieving for the lost relationship and what they had, angry at their ex-partner and optimistic about tomorrow. For those who chose to end the relationship there is more emphasis on moving forward, whereas for those who were left, there is more emphasis on looking back. This does not mean that the person who ends the relationship faces no difficult emotions. This person often experiences:
There is often also relief in coming to terms with the fact that it is okay to be single, and that people do not necessarily need to be part of a couple to live a successful and fulfilling life. This feeling of relief may lead to a greater sense of freedom and personal purposefulness. 'I did not know I would feel so relieved not to have to go home and face them all.' There can be a growing sense of satisfaction when adults recognise that it is not selfish to love themselves. Sometimes people associate looking after themselves with being selfish.This can be a case of looking after others first to an unhealthy extreme. Looking after yourself and learning to feel comfortable with this self-resourcing behaviour is an important prerequisite to building a positive new sense of self. It is also essential to being able to be a mature parent. This can be a revelation for people who have lost themselves in their parenting or work roles, and have neglected to think of themselves as having any right to exist, other than being a good parent or provider. By reinvesting time and energy in the present, more energy is available to be released into new life. For example, developing new or closer relationships, taking more interest in work, or a new activity. Often, people do not realise they are grieving but the sense of loss and grief are often not far under the surface. Even while moving forward, people visit and revisit the pain of separation, and need to continue to do this until they can:
'I never thought I needed people, but when she left I was so lonely. It's a year now and I can't believe how often I have broken down. It's then you need a mate who will listen to the same old broken record. I still love her.' 'It was my choice to go. Even though I have had two other boyfriends since, I keep catching myself thinking about him and thinking he wasn't so bad after all.' The frustration of not being able to shift the pain often leads to an impatience to move on, out of the pain. Many people will try to drown the pain by rushing into other relationships. This can sometimes lead to temporary relief before grief surfaces again, and threatens the new relationship. It is important for adults to recognise their own reactions to things that make them angry, irritable or fearful. It may, in fact, relate to events of the past, such as what a former partner did, rather than what a current partner is doing.The intensity of the emotion can lead a person to assume that it is a response to something current when it may not be. A person may be confused when their partner appears to react vehemently to something that seems fairly minor. It may, however, be a reaction to things that their former partner did or did not do such as gambling or drinking excessively. So, if a new partner puts a small bet on a horse or has a beer, the reaction of their partner may be extreme. Another common example is when a person becomes fearful when someone raises their voice, because their ex-partner used to shriek and yell. 'When I said I was going to join a sweep for the Cup, he went off his head. I couldn't understand why he got so angry over a $2 bet, until I found out his ex had a gambling problem. All the time he was behaving like this, it felt as if I was his ex.' Some people face the pain of wanting to keep a past family history alive, while all the evidence tells them that the family now looks very different. An important task of grief is reconstructing the past and this involves sifting out the good parts and holding onto them, while allowing the bitter parts to fade away. This can be difficult.If personal feelings of sadness are allowed their place, then new relationships are able to develop and feelings of anticipation, excitement and optimism can become integral to the new emotional state. There are risks involved in forming new relationships at this emotionally vulnerable time, as people may idealise new partners, and enter into a relationship which, in effect repeats the patterns of the past. This applies particularly in situations where violence, abuse, drug and alcohol issues have been present. Children Adults who get involved in other relationships may be so consumed with their own needs that they risk neglecting the emotional needs of their children. Children can still be grieving for their original family when they are catapulted, (often with no choice and little explanation) into a new family. This is made more difficult if a new partner demonstrates their love to the adult but not to the children. Children are adept at picking up the cues that they are unwanted. They may have experienced being unwanted before in their parents' previous relationships, and sadly are very alert to it. It is important for parents to discuss with their children how they can love people that their children don't like. It is also important to let children know that the parent can still love the children even though the children may not like the new partner. This will require honesty and openness, and allowing the children to describe their feelings. It is easy to want to correct their opinions, reassuring them too readily that the other person does care, or that they really are a nice person. There is no guarantee that this is the case, and all it does is confuse the children, teaching them not to trust their feelings. The children need to feel that their distress has been heard, and accepted as valid.The only thing that will cause the child to truly change their mind is to see and feel that they are indeed loved by the new adult and continue to be loved by their parent. It will take time for children to reach this point. This is not only an issue with young children. Often adult children, who may not even live at home, can actively disapprove of their parent entering another relationship. They fear that the memory of the original family and their other parent is being violated. As it is important to discuss these matters with young children, it is also important to discuss them with adult children. This is often overlooked, sometimes because it does not seem necessary, sometimes because it may be difficult. Sharing views on these matters usually clears the air and develops improved future relationships. 'It is disgusting what my mother is doing, going out with someone else. It is only 18 months since dad left home.' IChildren are confronted with loss on several levels. They may still be grieving for their original family when their parents start other relationships. Then they may be confronted with whether they can trust any current relationship for fear that it too could end. They may also fear that if they are too accepting of a new relationship they are being disloyal to their other parent. Despite all the odds and evidence to the contrary, children often yearn for a return to their 'original' family. This means that a child may be 'out of sync' with their parents. The parents may have moved through their own grief and not realise that the child is still longing for something that cannot be. It is important to recognise that children do feel deeply, although they might not be able to verbalise their feelings as adults do. Children's behaviour is often the clue to deciphering what they are feeling. If a child believes their feelings are okay and that no one is going to try to force them to feel differently, or deny that those feelings exist, then children are usually able to come to terms with very painful situations. It is a myth to say that all children will be traumatised for life if their parents separate. The trauma arises from the way the parents handle the separation, their on-going lives and their children's reactions. Children can try to be too good in the early days of a separation. Then when they see that the adult is less fragile, they may feel it is safe to begin to 'act out'. If this can be taken as the child feeling that their parent is strong enough to cope with some minor challenges, rather than the child suffering terrible trauma or 'being naughty', the family can often move on together. If the child continues to exhibit angry and difficult behaviour, then it is important that this is recognised. In this case, professional help may be needed. 'I knew that Dad was finding it hard, so I tried really, really hard to be good. Later, he just went on with his life, and I realised that I didn't have to keep walking on eggshells.' Extended family Grandparents can often get so caught up in the ongoing difficulties ex-partners face that they find it hard to step back and get on with their own lives. They can find it hard to accept their adult child's sexuality. Grandparents may have accepted sexual behaviour within their adult child's marriage or long-term relationship, but find it hard to accept it when they re-enter the 'dating game'. If there is this sort of unspoken pressure and discomfort about being single again, there can also be the message to 'hang on to this one at all costs' when their son or daughter starts a tentative new relationship. Adult children need to be aware of this possible pressure as it can lead prematurely to the forming of inappropriate permanent relationships. |