Future Directions

Relationships

Key issues

The lack of confidence/skills faced by individuals seeking new relationships.
Exploring the issues around the 'dating game', including sexuality.
Acknowledging children's feelings as well as their rights, in regard to their parents exploring new relationships.
Dealing with judgements made by others.

Myths

Men move on easily.
There's plenty more fish in the sea.
Singles have more fun.

Background notes

The period after a separation can be a time of exploring relationships without commitment. It can also be a time when adults are searching for another committed relationship.

Often relationships after a separation are brief. This can be because the adult is searching for a meaningful relationship without being sure of what they want from it. It can also be because they have not adequately resolved issues from their prior relationship/s.

However, all relationships that parents begin at this time will affect the children, whether the adult is aware of this or not.

Adults

The person who initiated the separation is more likely to be:

Wanting to shut the door and move on with no fuss/argument/complications
Impatient to get on with life
Anxious about how to relate to an ex-partner who is from the past, while everything else is future-oriented.

The person who did not initiate the separation is more likely to be:

Anxious about how to deal with an ex-partner who has moved on
Anxious about whether anyone will want to relate to a person who now 'has baggage'.

However, for each adult, the 'new' world of being single has its own terrors.

Neither have a regular sexual partner and so have to make conscious decisions about whether sex is important at this time.

There is a fear of how beginning a new relationship will affect them, and often anxiety about how the separation and the newness of the next relationship will affect their libido.

Getting back into the 'dating game' can be a source of great fear and apprehension for those who thought they had left this part of their life behind. The major issues are:

Being used to a social life based on being part of a couple. People often do not know how to behave as a single person. Although approximately 25 percent of adults will never partner,* there is still a widely held perception that being single is second best; for example, a person sitting in a restaurant on their own usually evokes comment. This is particularly true for women on their own.
Uncertainty about how people date in today's world. Many people will have been in long-term relationships and feel that they do not know what today's dating etiquette is.
What are the implications for dating in a world with AIDS, herpes and other sexually-transmissible infections exist?
Uncertainty about where people go to meet other single people. For adults who have had a lengthy period as a couple the whole concept of being 'in circulation again' can be daunting and even abhorrent to them.
Using relationships as reassurance of attractiveness and appeal. If a person has been called a 'fat ugly pig' by their ex-partner for the last five years, then they may feel the need to go all out to seek experiences to convince themselves that they are really okay.

* ABS, Marriages and Divorces, Australia, 1998.

'I felt like I had a placard on my forehead saying 'available'. It was just a cattle market.'

'I was scared to go out on a date because I didn't know if you were meant to go to bed on the first date or what happens nowadays.'

'I've never had to use a condom before because I've only had one sexual partner. I am middle-aged and it scares me witless.'

Often, immediately after a separation, a person may have no interest in sex as they work through the hurts of the separation.

'Some people fear they will never be interested in sex again. Later, many people become preoccupied with sex.'

It can sometimes lead to promiscuous behaviours that surprise them as they seek to find out and reassure themselves they are still attractive.

Older adults who have been in long-term relationships sometimes struggle with changing moral values. They may have accepted fairly unquestioningly the messages from their parents about sexual behaviour, and found no need to question them until now. They may have needs and desires they now find surprising and unexpected, and which do not conform to the messages handed down from their parents. It is then that the person has to make a decision about what they want. This may be the first time in their lives that they have had to make such a conscious choice.

It may surprise and upset others around them.

It is at this stage that people can often get confused when they enter new relationships.They may be looking for romance and find only friendship, or the reverse, be looking for friendship and find that there is an expectation of romance and a sexual relationship.

'I thought he was great. We got on so well. But when it came to sex, he just wasn't interested. Later on he told me how much he valued our friendship, and said that I was his soul mate.'

'I'd always wanted a person I could really share things with, a person who could really understand me, but after a couple of dates all she wanted was to get me into bed.'

Touch is something many people crave and many believe that the only way they are going to receive that touching is in a sexual relationship. This confuses the human need to be touched with the need to be sexual.

Often relationships at this stage are short-term as people experiment with 'doing a relationship' and find out what is now important to them. Other people may see the option of visiting a prostitute as a reasonable way to fulfil their physical needs without the obligation of forming any relationship.

Children

Children Seeing their separated parents as sexual people can be very difficult for children. Children can be very possessive of their parents and find it difficult to see their parents as anything other than a parent.

The longer a person spends not in a relationship, the closer the bond between the parent and a child can become, so that any new adult can be seen as a real threat. This is often seen in the drama of who sleeps in Mummy/Daddy's bed.

Many children take comfort in sleeping with the sole parent and become incensed when another adult is allowed to come into the bed that was their Mum and Dad's and that they now see as theirs. Moreover, this bed had previously been reserved for Mum and Dad and now perhaps several people have slept in it.

Some parents may have several serial relationships, none of which are long-term. Children have to make an adjustment each time there is a change of partner.

There may also be other children who come and go with the new partners.

The children may wonder how they are expected to relate to these new children who mean nothing to them, except that they 'belong' to the person their Mum or Dad is now involved with.

If a parent decides to move in with another partner who has children, the 'mix and match' of children is a necessity. This can be very disruptive for children.

Their key concerns are:

What is mine and will remain mine?
What things will I have to share?
Who will sleep where?
I am the (eldest, youngest, middle) child in my family, what happens to me if there are children who are (older, younger, the same age) as me?
Whose rules really count?

'It was as if people I knew at school were suddenly expected to be part of my family. They never were before. They were always his kids, and I hated it. You never knew who you were meant to listen to, and it became very confusing.'

It is important for parents not to ignore their children's feelings in the rush and enthusiasm of forming a new relationship. It is not fair to expect children to be as enamoured with the idea of the new relationship, the new person and their kids as the adult parent might be.

Alternatively, it is important for parents to consider the effect on their children if they 'fall in love' with the new partner and the relationship doesn't last (or may never have been intended to last).

As with many other issues, the best course is probably not to force the issue and to let relationships develop in their own time and in their own way. It might also be worth encouraging parents to be discriminating about who they bring home and introduce to their children - too many introductions will make children more cynical and suspicious of each new potential partner.

Extended family

The extended family may have opinions about the single person's exploration of new relationships. Grandparents may not be ready to see their children in this role again.

'I don't like mum's new boyfriend. Do you?'

Extended family may also hear stories from children that they find difficult to accept.

'I saw dad in bed with his new girlfriend last night.'

It is important to realise that this could be a time of making judgements that may not be helpful in the longer term.

Group exercises

TABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME