Future DirectionsTABLE OF CONTENTS | MAP | CSA HOME | Roles, identity and boundariesKey issues
Myths
Background notes The key issues at this stage continue to be about 'who I am' and 'how do I relate to others'. Each parent needs to find their 'place in the world' and develop their identity as someone who is no longer the partner of their child's other parent.The process is necessary for both parents, whether or not they initiated the separation. This is also a time when each partner begins to develop their identity beyond the reference point of the separation or family break-up.Who and what are they as the separation crisis subsides? What is left? Who are their friends? Their interests? What are their priorities? The children of the family are also grappling with the questions of 'who am I and how do I relate to others?'. For them, it is about learning to be a child, or young adult, who no longer lives with their mother, father and siblings.They may have a new address and completely new family configuration; the way they engage in their favorite activities may change completely (for example, if father and son attended football training together, or watched football together). These changes take time to become a comfortable part of their existence and just another aspect of who they are and where they come from. This is a place that no-one has been before, even if they have experienced previous relationship break-ups and separations. It is different from their life with a partner/two parents; it is different from a single life prior to this partnership, and because of the experiences of this partnership, this separation is different from any previous one. Many people report feeling disoriented during this phase. Some people enter new relationships at this time as a means of avoiding this emotional discomfort. This can lead to a relationship developing very quickly. The risk is that this may become an ongoing relationship that may not be in everyone's best interests. Adults After separating, both adults need to manage the issues facing them as single people. It is a new and dual role; that of a sole adult and a continuing parent (even if they have limited or no contact with their children). While the adult always remains a parent, they face the exciting but sometimes frightening prospect of working out who they are as an individual in their own right. They are confronted with how others will view and react to them. This includes people at work, their own family, friends, children, and their children's other parent. 'Am I acceptable to my friends, and other people now that I am on my own? Will my mates at work think less of me if I have not managed to keep my family together?' Whether the person was the initiator of the separation or not, it will influence their sense of identity, with the initiator having a greater sense of control over their life - at least initially. Nevertheless, the initiator can still experience self-doubt and a lack of confidence. The initiator will be concerned with questions such as:
The person who did not want a separation will have questions:
'There can still be a good deal of heartache and questioning going on, despite the separation looking quite smooth to the outside world.' There are also couples who mutually decide to separate. Their viewpoints may be somewhat different from the above reasons, but there can still be a good deal of heartache and questioning going on, despite the separation looking quite smooth to the outside world. It is not uncommon for one member of the couple to be a little more committed to the idea of separating than the other. Pride and sensitivity to the other person's feelings (or desire for a conflict-free separation) may mean that each of the partners are reluctant to confess they want the separation more, or less, than the other person. No-one remains the same after a separation because they are no longer a part of a couple. 'Being part of a couple has significant social implications.' The social sanction of the couple relationship can provide a significant boost to an individual's self-confidence. Both adults need to maintain or develop a network of people who are able to accept them as they 'practise' new identities. This network may include work colleagues, friends, extended family, new relationships, and a new social circle. As in adolescence, it is a time when a person tries out new 'ways of being', until they find the one that fits their style, personality and circumstances. For many, this can be a challenging time, especially if they have spent many years seeing themselves as 'only a Mum or Dad' or husband or wife, and do not have a strong sense of their role as an individual. If, as a couple, they spent most of their time being 'we', then they will now find it very difficult to adapt to being 'me' and knowing who that 'me' is, or what that 'me' wants. It can be difficult for ex-partners to find new ways of relating to each other. It can be hard to see an ex-partner make changes in their life. This can be particularly difficult to take if the changes that take place after the separation are ones the ex-partner refused to make when the couple were together. 'Why is it that he is willing to spend money on doing up the house now that he is out of the relationship?' 'I hate the way she dresses sexily now, when she wouldn't for me.' Being able to accept the relationship choices that the ex-partner makes can also be difficult, particularly if the couple relationship was controlled or dominated by one partner. 'She goes out to discos every weekend. If she was still with me, she wouldn't be allowed to.' 'He's going out with someone half his age. It just makes him look stupid.' Children After dealing with the separation, and in many cases developing a new (and perhaps cherished) role of companion to their parent(s) in a different family environment, most children will not take kindly to the prospect of one or both of their parents developing a new relationship. When there is only one adult in the household, some children take on extra parental roles such as shopping, minding younger children, or housework. This can lead to a quasi partner-type relationship between the child and the parent which gets threatened each time a new adult partner is introduced into the family. 'I hate her. Who does she think she is, just coming in and taking Dad over. They spend all their time kissing each other.' At this time there is a clear need for communication between the parent and the child as to what role the new adult person is going to have in the family, and what the child can expect. This may vary depending on whether the new girlfriend/boyfriend is:
This is made more difficult because the roles of the new adult person typically evolve over time, as the new relationship develops. Updating the child about this as it occurs can help the child's understanding of their place in the family and help the child to feel more secure. 'It's awful, he just comes in and begins to tell me how to stack the dishes or what I can watch on TV.' It is very important that the parent takes time to listen to their child and take seriously their concerns, particularly if the child is frightened or reluctant to be around the new partner. They should not be forced into a relationship that is not comfortable for them. For example, it is inappropriate to force children to kiss or hug adults that they are not comfortable giving or receiving affection from. Parents should also be encouraged to maintain a reliable, steady parenting style, regardless of the excitement of the new romantic relationship and their desire to see it work. Children will not deal well with erratic behavior from their parent, particularly if they have witnessed their parent's distress over the separation. 'After dealing with the separation ... most children will not take kindly to the prospect of one or both of their parents developing a new relationship.' Extended family Grandparents can find it very difficult to strike the right balance between over-involvement and appearing indifferent. They walk a continual tightrope, and will require a constant watch as to whether their assistance or involvement is appropriate for the changing circumstances of the family. They may need to ask their adult children what is the best way to be supportive. Many grandparents will assume that their life, after their child's separation, will stay the same over time, not realising the dynamic nature of changing relationships and circumstances. They can find the introduction of new adults into their adult child's life very unsettling. Often this may be disguised as concern for the children, for example, 'It's not right for kids to be exposed to all this'. Their own regrets and discomfort may influence their reactions. 'It is appalling the way he has all these girlfriends. Our daughter can't afford to have boyfriends because she's so busy with the kids. It's just not right!' Friends of the ex-partners can find it difficult to sustain a friendship with both of them. They can often be put in the position of being asked to be:
Friends often drift away rather than continue in this role. A friendship can be maintained if the friend is able to say clearly that they value the friendship, but they fear it will be jeopardised if they are asked to carry messages, give information, or be a sounding board. Good friends can be extremely valuable as they can give stability and encouragement.They can remind the adult of their shared history. Nevertheless, friendships can become strained if friends are relegated to a back seat every time a new romantic relationship develops, and then 'recalled', if and when the romance cools. |