Background

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Introduction

Back on Track: Finding a way through separation and repartnering is an education program commissioned by the Child Support Agency in response to concerns raised at the CSA Community Forum in 1997. Community Service Providers at that forum expressed frustration at the lack of educational opportunities in the area of repartnering, particularly resources that might be relevant and appealing to all separated parents.

Back on Track was developed by people in organisations experienced in dealing with the difficult issues faced by communities. It brought together expertise in counselling and social work and focused attention on the issue of the break up, and re-forming of the family unit.

The people who wrote this resource are experienced in dealing with people as they journey through a part of their life that involves separation and the grief of letting go of a relationship - particularly where children are involved. In these pages, they share their experience and knowledge about the process of separating, healing and, in most cases, the decision and opportunity to form a new relationship.

Importantly, this resource was not developed in a closed office - based only on the experience on those working directly on the project; it involved a research phase which drew on the experience and advice on service providers across Australia. The research defined the requirements of those who could use this program and ensured that these needs were met.

This has resulted in a program that provides information and background around the key themes and issues around separation and repartnering. Service providers can use this information as background in their counselling of individuals or for community information / education sessions - whether there is a need for one-off sessions or a series of sessions.

Back on Track is designed to allow the service provider to match content with the needs of communities they work in. The relevance of the material for men was a particular consideration given feedback that much of the existing support infrastructure is either tailored to meet women's needs or alternatively does not appeal to or attract men. Further it recognises the importance of reaching both parents if the objective of sustainable new and old relationships is to be realised.

In recent times, the Child Support Agency has gone through a process of revising and revitalising its direction and the way it conducts its business. It fostered this program as part of demonstrating its commitment to working with community to encourage and support parental responsibility.

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Philosophy

Many people have strong (and unexplored) understandings of what it is to be a family. Ask any child to draw 'a family' and we can all see the picture - it's mum, dad and the kids, a pet or two and a house with a garden. Ask that same child to draw 'their' family and the picture might be very different.

Back on Track recognises that Australian families today take many different forms. They all have their place and reflect the choices and circumstances of all the members of each family. All have the capacity to work - to be functional families. This resource is constructed on the basis that all people have strengths, knowledge and skills gained from their life experience - and that all of these are a great start.

A key position taken in Back on Track is that the couple relationship is the central plank of the repartnered family. The couple is the reason for the new family. Managing the tasks of looking after the couple relationship and forming an effective parenting team is seen as essential for the survival and healthy growth of the new family.

Balanced with this, Back on Track acknowledges the principle enshrined in the Family Law Act of 1975 and subsequent amendments, that children have a right to be cared for, and to have continuing relationships with each of their parents.

The program has a strong focus on parenting. Shared parenting is a core aspiration in the philosophy of this resource. All children want and need their parents to care for them, love them and support them; all parents should be encouraged to meet this need and where necessary, assisted to develop the skills to ensure they can.

Back on Track assists service providers who are involved in supporting and resourcing single or separated parents and repartnered families.

Back on Track specifically aims to involve men in repartnering education and in the ongoing decision making related to their children. It does this by using language that is inclusive of men; by providing activities that men are more likely to feel comfortable doing and by acknowledging, in the text, the issues and realities faced by men who go through separation and repartnering. It acknowledges that men and women experience this process differently; they are expected to deal with it differently and are usually treated on this assumption by family, friends and organisations they come into contact through work and play.

Back on Track was developed based on the belief that service providers who work with families need to be resourced with a range of ways to communicate effectively and find solutions to problems raised during this interaction. Some of these 'entry points' could involve counselling, group work and community education.

Back on Track is founded on the presumption that relationship counselling and education is normal, positive and preventative, rather than something that people require at a time of crisis or failure. It is important that families have access to a range of learning options that are realistic to them.

The content and approach of this resource has been informed by counsellors' and educators' clinical experience and practice wisdom. This gives a practical orientation, which encourages service providers who use Back on track to adapt the resource to different theoretical / philosophical approaches.

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Australian families today

Although the great majority of families are formed by a married, live-in heterosexual couple having a child together, families are formed in many ways. Children are conceived and cared for in a variety of circumstances, including:

• adopted or foster children
• unplanned pregnancies, where a couple do not form a 'live in' unit
• same sex couple having a biological child of one partner
• having a child born of a surrogate mother
• women deciding to have children alone
• situations where one or both of the biological parents are in another relationship when the child is conceived / born
• couples separating, resulting in children being members of two single parent families
• couples repartnering after separation and/or divorce and forming step families (referred to in Back on Trackas repartnered families)
• widows / widower caring for children.

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Separation and repartnering

The nuclear family type prevails as the societal reference point when thinking about families - even though the incidence of many other family types has increased in recent decades.

The 'idealisation' of the biological nuclear family needs to be recognised and challenged so that other family forms including single and repartnered families can be accepted as equally functional and legitimate.

In describing these family forms, separating or separation defines the sameness between them - they have all experienced this. It is repartnering that makes them different from each other.

Separated and repartnered families exist in a variety of forms in Australia today including:

• families where one partner has no children and the other partner has children from a previous relationship, (the partner without the children may or may not have been in a committed relationship before - so may or may not be experiencing for the first time a partnership and "ready made" children)
• families in which both adults have children from previous relationships,
• families in which some children live full-time and some live part-time,
• families in which some children are from previous relationships and some are the biological and/or adopted children of this couple, same sex couples with children from previous relationships,
• families where the new partner has little age difference from the children,
• families where the new partner is considerably older than the children and the children's biological parent,
• families where both partners have children from both the previous and the current relationships and the children's ages span from early childhood to adulthood.

The repartnered family is far more complex than the original biological family. The introduction of a new partner, and the process of integrating this partner (and his or her children) to form the new repartnered family requires structural changes, emotional adjustments and the negotiation of instrumental roles.

For most people this requires the continual learning and practice of new understandings, skills, and behaviours if it is to be accomplished. Back on Track assists service providers to guide their clients through what is almost always new and unfamiliar territory.

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Structure of Back on Track

Back on Track provides information and resources for service providers to use in designing, implementing and evaluating learning experiences for people who are separating, separated, repartnering and/or repartnered. It can be used in a variety of ways and in different settings.

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Navigating the core content
The core content section includes references and illustrated 'maps' to help service providers - and participants to visualise the 'journey' of separating and repartnering and the terrain of each stop in that journey.

The last content section 'And then!' forms an epilogue. It is briefer than the first three sections and simply addresses the possibilities for the way forward after the issues related to separation and repartnering have been worked through.

The three detailed content sections contain common sub-headings and formats to allow service providers to select relevant components - by issues, stage of process or by the people involved - to deliver the program content flexibly and according to need.

Each of these 3 content sections contain:

• the key developmental tasks of the stage (stated as key issues)
• commonly held social myths related to the stage, so that they can be considered and their accuracy assessed against reality
• background notes on each stage:-
  - roles and identity and boundaries
  - relationships
  - emotions
  - parenting
  - money matters
  - legal matters.

Content has been developed so that it is particularly suited to group work.

Each of these sections also contain practical exercises, tasks and handouts for service users to draw on, and/or adapt to use in their programs.

The perspectives of the adults, children and extended family are also addressed in each section. These notes provide guidance to service providers and help develop understanding of their participants and/or clients.

Suggested exercises and tasks have been presented to facilitate participants' learning so that they will:

• increase understanding of their situations
• increase understanding of their own emotions and behaviours
• learn and develop new skills and behaviours
• accomplish the tasks and challenges associated with their life stage.

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Key concept explained

The metaphor of a 'journey' is used throughout this resource. It was selected because it conjures images of development and experience; of going back over familiar ground and traversing new terrain. It works with the idea that traveling can be frightening, rewarding, satisfying and difficult.

Anyone who has taken even the shortest day trip with a family group knows that the needs of each family member during the drive demands attention; that sometimes each member can feel cramped; hungry or tired as well as excited and energised by sharing an experience with the people they love best. Planning a day out - especially with children - takes organisation and courage! A short holiday is a major challenge. A complete adjustment to family life because of separation and repartnering can be a seemingly insurmountable challenge in co-ordination.

It's the most serious journey a family can take - together or apart - because it is towards finding a way for them to function as a family in a new configuration. When children are involved, there is a bond that does not end with the divorce or the division of property. Each family member will experience the journey in their own unique way. Each will have needs, fears and moments of elation; what makes some sad will make others angry and still others happy.

The idea of a journey (and traveling) suits the terrain of separation and repartnering because although there is common ground, the process is not always linear. Some people spend more time in some stages (or locations) than others. Some miss some destinations altogether - perhaps going from repartnering to repartnering without pausing to experience being single and the possibilities they can choose from in 'Future directions'. For some, the journey is a way of life, for others it's uncomfortable - the constant movement and lack of stability irritating.

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The four stages or 'locations' of the journey are named accordingly in Back on Track.

They are shown visually in a map, which will be referred to throughout the pages of Back on Track.

Separating: This stage refers to the period in people's lives when they have separated from their partner.

Future Directions: This stage refers to the period in people's lives when they are either single, or are in a new, but not necessarily permanent, relationship and are considering their future options.

Repartnering: This stage refers to the period in people's lives when they repartner with the intention of establishing an enduring relationship. It includes the process of preparing for, establishing and consolidating a new relationship with someone other than their ex-partner, where one or both partners have children from a previous relationship.

And then!: This stage refers to the period in people's lives when they adjust to the reality of their new family arrangements. Each of the stages suggests that participants should explore new territory and consider what kind of adjustments they can make to adapt to the new environment through practical tasks and activities.

Clinical work suggests that building on the results of learning - by systematically addressing the issues relevant to participants in each section logically - will increase the benefits participants gain out of the program when it is delivered at a local level.

This resource aims to provide 'a map', that can be shared by service providers and program participants as they support individuals in their travels and self-discoveries and ultimately in finding the destination where a new family can form and live.

Each stage is depicted in 'close up' through a map of that specific terrain and the kinds of landmarks common to it.

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