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Me and
my
Kids
Parenting from a Distance
'Breaking up was bad enough. I'm not going to lose touch with my kids'.
You are feeling the loss of that everyday contact and you believe your children
miss you too. You may not always be sure of the best way to be involved with
your children. What can you do?
This page provides tips and hints to help you build on your relationship with your children after separation. The ideas have been taken from the booklet Me and my Kids: parenting from a distance (PDF 485k) and contributed mainly be people who have had to tackle the hard questions.
Don't forget to think about yourself.
It's important to your children for you to find a way to look after yourself.
Rest and relax, listen to music, read the paper or watch a movie. Talk to
family and friends - it might surprise you to see how supportive people can be.
Useful contacts.
There are many organisations whose job it is to help sort out issues. Our Community Services Directory.
provides details of these organisations.
You and your child
'I realise I don't know my kids as well as I thought'.
Separation often means you have to parent one-to-one for the first time. This
can be a challenge! Using a journal or diary can help you get to know your
child.
You can record information like their day-to-day routine, favourite meals, sports, places you visited together, did they enjoy it, where else would they like to go, the best time to take them, etc.
Put your child's information into your online
journal
Work on building a relationship of trust. This can take time.
Tip
Get pre-paid phone cards so your child can ring you
Regular phone calls.
Set up a regular time to phone your child. This gives them something to look
forward to. Regular short chats may be better. Call sometimes just to say
goodnight, tell a joke or tell them something funny that happened to you - even
if it's just for a couple of minutes. Have a list of topics or questions ready
when you ring.
Other ways of keeping in touch.
You can have a great relationship with your kids even though you don't live
together all the time. You can write a letter, send a fax, email etc.
School information.
Ask your child's school to send you copies of newsletters, notices, reports
etc. Help with school projects or homework by finding information and sending
it to them. Keep the school up to date with your phone number and address.
Helping the visit go smoothly.
Give yourself plenty of time to get to the pick-up point. Plan the visit in
advance; what does your child need to bring? Did your child help in the
planning?
When your child comes to stay.
It helps to think of your child as having 2 homes, one with Mum and one with
Dad. Give them a room of their own and let them help with decorating. Display
family photos and things that have special meaning for you all.
Make a shopping list and do the shopping together. Get them to help with the cooking.
Tip
Make sure you've got food they will eat in the fridge
Understanding teenagers.
Change in routine is unsettling, even for teenagers. There are lots of books
available to give you ideas and information on what to expect from kids at
different ages. Try to understand that your kids are not just being difficult.
Setting the boundaries.
Sometimes separated parents go overboard by trying to be extra nice. Children
still need firm boundaries. Kids learn to cope well with different rules in
both homes.
You and their other parent
Making change overs easier.
Make change overs as natural and as friendly as possible. If you can't avoid
arguing, arrange the pick-up at a neutral place or talk to your local community
services about 'contact services' that provide a safe place for change overs to
happen.
Talking to your ex.
It may help to view the relationship with their other parent as simply like
that of workmates - for the sake of the children. Your kids need your support
in getting on with their own lives knowing they're not caught in the middle.
Arrange the time and place without involving the children. Try to agree in advance what the meeting is about.
Consider counselling or mediation - talk to someone whose job it is to help parents sort out issues.
Ground rule
Don't use your kids to pass messages to their other parent
Decision-making checklist.
There are several things you and your ex will have to agree on. This checklist
will make it easier for you to keep track of the details.
Have a look at our
online decision-making checklist
Parenting tips
Practical parenting tips.
Knowing how and when you will next be in contact gives you all something to
look forward to.
Tip
If you have to live far apart, reassure your kids they will still have contact
with you
Be prepared.
Do you know what to do in an emergency? Can you step in and take action if your
children are in trouble, or support their other parent in an emergency? What
are the things you need to do?
Useful contacts.
There are many organisations whose job it is to help sort out issues.
Keep your
important phone numbers and information for
each child up-to-date
For more information about any of these topics see the booklet: Me and my Kids: parenting from a distance (PDF 485k).
